Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Because of a phenomenon in our brains called mirror neurons, we are susceptible to be influenced by other people’s feelings. That is, we react. Someone behind us in traffic honks loudly and raises his hands in a frustrated gesture, and we feel angry right back at him. Mirror Neurons. A colleague gets reprimanded, and we “feel bad for her.” Mirror Neurons. In a new job, we get caught up in a political situation that we didn’t see coming, and we start manipulating, just like those playing the political game. Mirror Neurons.

Most people would like to be responsive and true to themselves, rather than reactive, but given our brains’ proclivity to be influenced, what do we do to avoid being caught up in other people’s dramas?

The answer to the question is powerlessness. The truth is, the unique feature of our brains known as mirror neurons renders us powerless over the influence of other people’s emotions and actions. We are pulled towards them, often without our awareness.

So the first step is to become aware that what we’re experiencing is really not coming from inside us, but from outside us. The second step is to admit our powerlessness over our reactive feelings.

This admission of powerlessness puts us into a neutral zone, which allows us to relax and evaluate what we truly want to do and how we want to be in the presence of this situation. Then and only then are we able to choose a response that is right and authentic for us. So it’s a 3-step process:

1.      Be aware when we are being pulled into someone else’s drama.

2.      Say, “I’m powerless over my feelings about this situation.”

3.      After spending some time in powerlessness (seconds, minutes, hours, days, or weeks, depending on the intensity of the situation), consciously choose how you will be. Write out your intention. Keep it in front of you and continuously align your thoughts, feelings, and actions with it.

Example of a powerful intention: As I stand before these confused and bewildered people, I am calm, centered, and focused. I know who I am, and I align with the highest and best within me. I am respectful, inclusive, humble, and grateful for this opportunity to learn.