The energy of anger and the energy of impatience must be very similar; I’ve even wondered if they might even be the same brain chemical.

There have been times in my life when, feeling impatient, I have become angry at someone else for being so slow. For example, there was the deck on my home that went unfinished for about 15 years. By the time I left, I was beyond angry about that deck. My anger did me no good at all—or anyone else, for that matter.

But I learned from that experience. I learned that when I hold a grudge and keep bringing it up, shooting verbal barbs at someone, it seems to hold the other person’s resistance in place. So when my current husband took apart the ceiling fan and left the blades for weeks on the floor, I felt no anger or resentment; instead, I have an understanding that he’ll do it when he’s ready, and my urging is only going to slow him down. Since I don’t want to slow him down, I choose understanding and acceptance instead of impatience. Now, I’m not a saint. If the time frame stretches on indefinitely, I will speak up. But I’ll say it once, in a respectful way, and offer my assistance. I won’t use words as weapons.

I know where I learned impatience, but I’m often not very good about recognizing it. Bottom line is that I do not like to wait. I don’t like lines. I don’t like it when people are late, and I don’t like being late. I don’t like jobs left unfinished. And that probably says a lot about me!

But today I’m simply reflecting on the similarity of feeling between impatience and anger. The first step toward living from positive emotions begins with awareness and acceptance that, if you think other people are your problem, it’s time to look inside.

In Austin, Texas, we’ve had a string of days with temperatures hovering between 103° and 105°–the hottest July on record! Oppressive heat takes its toll on peaceful living! Unconsciously, we become a bit resentful that we can’t live our lives as we wish because it’s just too hot.

Because we’re unaware, we don’t express our anger with the temperature, our resentment grows, and then the first time someone we love does something we don’t like, we lash out. Then we identify an “issue,” which feeds the initial resentment, and the next thing we know, we’re in a downward spiral—with someone we love!

This happened to me one time when my husband and I were packing for vacation to Colorado. I had looked forward to the trip for a long time, but as we packed our bags, an argument ensued over something, and the next thing I knew, I was threatening not to go on the trip—which he said was fine with him!

But I really wanted to go. I had looked forward to it for weeks. So I called a friend who gave me good advice—CALL A TRUCE. I said, “How do you do that?” He said, “Just drop it. Don’t bring it up again. Finish packing your bags, get in the car, and go.”

So I did.

It wasn’t the easiest car ride I’ve ever had. In fact, during the last portion of the trip, my husband chose to give me the silent treatment. Finally, as we approached the nearest town to our destination, I set a boundary. I said, “If you’re going to continue to give me the silent treatment, then let me off here, and I’ll get a hotel room of my own.”

He decided to change his behavior, and we enjoyed a wonderful vacation—together. I don’t remember what set me off in the first place. Maybe it was the heat.

“Everyone gets angry—right?” Right. But everyone doesn’t take action on that anger, hurling sword-shaped words at people they love and damaging relationships in the process.

The assumption many people make is that if they are angry, then some other person needs to do something differently that will stop making them angry. This point of view will not bring you what you truly want most—harmonious relationships.

In the case of anger, the struggle is within, and relief from anger must also come from within. Here’s the process I recommend for calming anger.

1. On a sheet of paper, write out what you’re angry about. Use strong language. Don’t hold anything back. Write until you’re sick and tired of writing about anger.

2. Read what you’ve written and identify no more than three character defects within you that are reflected in your writing. They may be something like “judgmental,” “blaming,” “intolerant,” “impatient,” “self-righteous.”

3. Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself, choosing to be “non-judgmental,” “accepting,” “tolerant,” “patient,” “humble.”

You might ask, “But what do I do in the heat of the moment?” Try this.

Say something like, “I’m angry right now and don’t want to speak for fear I’ll say something hurtful.” Or “I’m so angry I’m exhausted.” And then simply walk away. Give up.

The emotion of anger and resentment weakens us. When we are in a state of acceptance or forgiveness, we’re strong. Our bodies emit vibrations that others enjoy being with. Simply stated, anger is a choice. And we’re free to make a different choice.