Archive for the ‘Main’ Category

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles (New York: Harper Collins, 1992), pp. 190-191.

When I was a child, there was a well-known poem that went like this: “What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice.” So I and many others in my generation grew up with the belief that it was the female’s job to “be nice.” In my mind, that meant not hurting anyone’s feelings, even when it meant squelching my own. It often meant keeping my opinions to myself.

It isn’t just my generation. Even today, among women of all ages, there’s pressure for women to “be nice.” Don’t say what you truly think and feel. Back down if someone disagrees. Don’t do or say anything that someone might take personally. In other words, be less than who you truly are.

Then, of course, there are those who go to the other extreme, with no filter at all on their words or actions–flaunting their defiance of social norms, angrily asserting themselves, trying to be more than who they think they are.

Recently I’ve seen evidence of a new way of being among women and between men and women. It’s being free to say what we truly need to say. It’s permission to be strong without being offensive. It’s being able to disagree without taking it personally. It’s tolerating someone’s disagreement without labeling them with some offensive name and damaging the relationship.

Truly, I’m grateful to see this shift: Women standing in their own power, confident and strong, affirming their own worth and acknowledging that of others.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

July 4 is when U.S. citizens celebrate freedom, and each year I spend some time reflecting on what greater freedom I have today than I had last July 4.

Freedom for Authenticity is what’s coming up for me this year. By this I mean

• A mind that’s calm enough to listen to my inner voice and rely on it for my decisions. In my “non-freedom” state, I am easily emotionally hijacked. If someone else says, “Do this,” I comply out of fear. If someone is disappointed in my actions, I go into chaos.
• A discipline that gives me confidence that I have, in fact, done the best I could in the circumstances I’m dealing with. In my “non-freedom” state, I second-guess my own decisions. I make them again and again. I beat myself up if something doesn’t appear to go well.
• Being free to spend time every day in silence, contemplation, meditation, or just sitting. In my “non-freedom” state, I wake up with my “to-do” list in my mind, get right on it, and suffer as the list grows longer through the day.
• Being free from shame. Accepting people as they are, not as I wish they were. This also means accepting myself for who I am, faults and all.
  

So on this Fourth of July, here is my intention for the day: I enjoy being alive and fully accept myself for who I truly am. I embrace my mistakes as teachers from which I learn. I enjoy this journey of life–all of it. I love being who I am.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Observations from playing the game of brickbreaker on my Blackberry.

1. Sometimes things come at me so fast that I don’t realize what I had until I’ve let it go and taken something of less value.

2. Greed makes the game unmanageable, and I make greed-driven mistakes.

3. Sometimes it seems that I’m not improving. But I know it’s just a plateau–a resting place for my brain to recalibrate. I have faith that I’ll start moving again when it’s time.

4. After all, it’s only a game–so relax and enjoy. No mistake is important enough for me to give up my peace of mind.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

As a pastime, I play a game called brickbreaker on my Blackberry. I play it when I’m sitting in someone’s waiting room or just when I have a few spare minutes. It’s relaxing to me–a time for reflection as I notice my reactions to the dynamics of the game.

This morning a client was late to a meeting because of rain-snarled traffic. So I was playing brickbreaker, and these life lessons came to me, inspired by this little game.

1. Pay attention to your goal. Distraction destroys. (The object of the game is to keep the little ball in play, and when I take my eyes off the ball to look at the score or what’s happening in another part of the screen, I often miss.)

2. Value what you have while going for what you want. (“Pills” cascade down the screen, with different labels. I’m not fond of the one labeled “catch,” but it gets me extra points, so I take it. My favorites, though, are “life” and “laser.” So I take “catch” and use it to its best advantage while watching for “life” and “laser” to appear. I don’t resent “catch.”)

3. Avoid the temptations that throw you completely off track. (The pill labeled “flip” always makes me miss the ball.)

4. Be precise. “Almost” doesn’t win. (Enough said.)

5. Long life isn’t as valuable as patience and discipline.

Today, may you keep your eye on the ball and know that all is well.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

You may have seen the story in news reports. Armando Galarraga was pitching a perfect game. Then the first base umpire made a mistake. He called a runner safe when every camera filming the runner’s arrival at first base showed the first baseman had him out. But the umpire called it the way he saw it, and his decision stood–the runner was safe. The pitcher’s perfect game evaporated because of the umpire’s human error.

His reaction? He smiled, walked back to the pitcher’s mound, and resumed the game. Then he forgave the umpire for making a mistake.

Once again, we see the power of nonresistance. Not expecting perfection. Not flying apart when someone makes a mistake that affects us. My mind flittered back to Gandhi. The Amish in the schoolhouse killings. And now, most recently, in America’s favorite pastime–baseball.

Once again, I am reminded that love is stronger than hate. Forgiveness is preferable to holding grudges. Nonresistance is less painful than holding on to slights and injustices. People aren’t perfect. That includes me and you. I don’t know about you, but when I’m the person in the umpire’s position, I want to be forgiven. May God grant me the willingness to be forgiving when I’m in the pitcher’s place.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

It’s good to know what you’re willing to experience. Recently a client said, “I have fear all the time. I worry all the time.” My response was, “I believe you. Would you like for things to be different?” Of course, she said yes. No one wants to live in fear and worry all the time. If that is happening, it’s a learned behavior. Intervention is needed, and I gave it.

“All you have to do is be willing to make a change” was what I said. And I left it at that.

To our next coaching session, this person brought a book, dog-eared and heavily underlined. From the book she read to me what she needed to do differently. I took notes, integrating her new learning into the plan we had already begun to make.

Her energy had shifted. In our earlier sessions, she was playing the role of victim, with one story after another about how other people had wronged her. But in this session, she had taken responsibility for making things better. She had become a Wayfinder.

Wayfinding is navigating through complex environments to reach a dreamed-of destination. It’s setting out for unknown territory, using tools that have the power to get you where you want to be. http://pvs.kcc.hawaii.edu/rapanui/nainoa.html

If you have a dreamed-of destination that you don’t think you’re making progress towards, simply become willing to change whatever you need to change to move you closer towards your dream, and say goodbye to stagnation.

 If you’ve had a similar experience, please share it on this blog.

The book Journey from Head to Heart:  Living and Working Authentically uses the metaphor of Wayfinding to describe the voyage to joyful living.

Wayfinding is an ancient art of navigating without a map, sextant, or compass; rather, using human intuitive powers.

For life, we don’t get a map. So when we’re not at the destination we want, what do we do? Millions of people try to make themselves happy through eating, drinking, using drugs including prescribed painkillers, escaping to the movies or a book, running or exercising to release endorphins that make things better. So we repeat our behaviors, again and again, hoping for different results. When we don’t get them, we start eating, drinking . . . . And so the cycle continues.

But we can make a different choice. Just a few moments ago I spoke with someone who woke up on this beautiful Monday morning not feeling good about herself. She had a vague, uneasy feeling that she couldn’t identify. After meaningful conversation with a trusted guide, she was able to identify the source of her discomfort, put it in right perspective, and change her course to move closer to living the life she truly wants to lead.

This is how I define Wayfinding. Not venting to a friend. Not repeating the same patterns over and over. But taking time to reflect, hear the love and support of trusted guides, and make different, disciplined decisions that move one closer to living a joy-filled life.

Wayfinding support groups are forming right now. For information about how to join one, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Like most women, I love beautiful shoes—pointy toes, high heels, a splash of glitz or something special. I love all the different textures and colors and styles. Although I don’t own that many shoes—I’m not a shoe-aholic—I do choose carefully what I buy, and I spare no expense. For years, what I’ve been buying is a rare combination—style AND comfort.

So it was with confidence that I packed my newest stylish-and-comfortable Stuart Weitzman’s for a trip to the Valley to visit a school district as part of my volunteer work with the H-E-B Excellence in Education Awards program. The work requires lots of walking in large school districts—huge high schools with lots of stairs, climbing in and out of buses and vans—two full hours of walking and standing, with no break. A grueling challenge for any pair of shoes.

The Stuart Weitzman’s didn’t pass the test. By the end of the day, I couldn’t wait to get out of those shoes. For the first time, I noticed that the pain in my feet contributed greatly to my fatigue.

This year the trips for this project are packed close together—next week I’ll make three school visits. I knew I had to make a change. So for the trip following the Stuart Weitzman’s fiasco, I made a different decision. I chose my Saturday Shoes—fat, rounded toe with a flat, open heel—purchased from my local Comfortable Shoe Store and worn with socks. (By the way, these shoes cost more than the Stuart Weitzman’s.)

Ah, the difference! Wearing the flat, fat shoes limits my wardrobe to black slacks. I don’t care. Wearing these shoes risks the judgment of other people that I’ve arrived at a “certain age.” I don’t care.

Most importantly, wearing these shoes means that, at the end of the day, I’m not exhausted. It’s a gift I’m giving myself. So what has this to do with courage?

The word “courage” comes from the French word for heart—coeur. This is a decision from my heart, out of love for myself. And there’s an added value. Since I’m at greater ease, I have more energy to enjoy my colleagues. I look with greater favor on what I saw in the school district, which works to their advantage. At the end of the day, I greet my husband with a smile instead of a groan. Everybody wins.

And that’s how it works when we make a decision from our hearts to do what feels good to us. Someone once said, “We do what’s best for others when we do what’s best for ourselves.” So I ask you to reflect: What one small thing might you do for yourself as an act of love? I support you to have the courage to do it today.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

What gives you energy to do your work and live your life well? What depletes your energy? I’ve been asking these questions of people over the last nine years.

To answer this question, it’s useful to know that the human system derives energy from four sources: 

• Physical (general health, diet, exercise)
• Mental (challenge, learning, intellectual activities like crossword puzzles and Sudoku)
• Spiritual (not religious, but spiritual practice that puts us in contact with something greater than ourselves)
• Emotional

Overwhelmingly, depleters are emotional, and usually they are our negative reaction to someone else’s behavior or situations beyond our control. What people don’t realize is that their negative reaction is within them, not outside of them, and that’s good news—because we have complete control over our own thoughts and feelings. If we truly want to, we can change them. Most people simply don’t know how.

Here’s how.

1. Write out what’s bugging you, and include all the details. Leave nothing out, and use strong language.
2. Read back over what you’ve written and identify the emotion that is coming through. Here are some examples:  jealousy, fear, anger, feeling overwhelmed, being judgmental or rigid. These negative emotions are coming from your ego. The truth is, whatever is happening probably has nothing to do with you; you’re simply choosing to take it personally.
3. Make a decision about how you want to feel. Maybe forgiving. Maybe accepting. Maybe safe from ill effects. You choose. Stay in this state of mind until you’re ready to move to a higher state.
4. Tear up and destroy what you wrote in #2 above.
5. When you’re ready, move to a higher emotional state—like kindness, unconditional love, compassion, peace.

If you practice this process on a regular basis, you’ll find that you gradually spend more and more time in peace. By practicing on a regular basis, I mean every day.

Thus you will turn energy depleters into energizers.

On Saturday, February 27, from 1:00-3:00 at Book People in Austin, Nancy will be working with a group of teachers to rejuvenate. All teachers are welcome to join us. If you would like Nancy to work with your group, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Because of a phenomenon in our brains called mirror neurons, we are susceptible to be influenced by other people’s feelings. That is, we react. Someone behind us in traffic honks loudly and raises his hands in a frustrated gesture, and we feel angry right back at him. Mirror Neurons. A colleague gets reprimanded, and we “feel bad for her.” Mirror Neurons. In a new job, we get caught up in a political situation that we didn’t see coming, and we start manipulating, just like those playing the political game. Mirror Neurons.

Most people would like to be responsive and true to themselves, rather than reactive, but given our brains’ proclivity to be influenced, what do we do to avoid being caught up in other people’s dramas?

The answer to the question is powerlessness. The truth is, the unique feature of our brains known as mirror neurons renders us powerless over the influence of other people’s emotions and actions. We are pulled towards them, often without our awareness.

So the first step is to become aware that what we’re experiencing is really not coming from inside us, but from outside us. The second step is to admit our powerlessness over our reactive feelings.

This admission of powerlessness puts us into a neutral zone, which allows us to relax and evaluate what we truly want to do and how we want to be in the presence of this situation. Then and only then are we able to choose a response that is right and authentic for us. So it’s a 3-step process:

1.      Be aware when we are being pulled into someone else’s drama.

2.      Say, “I’m powerless over my feelings about this situation.”

3.      After spending some time in powerlessness (seconds, minutes, hours, days, or weeks, depending on the intensity of the situation), consciously choose how you will be. Write out your intention. Keep it in front of you and continuously align your thoughts, feelings, and actions with it.

Example of a powerful intention: As I stand before these confused and bewildered people, I am calm, centered, and focused. I know who I am, and I align with the highest and best within me. I am respectful, inclusive, humble, and grateful for this opportunity to learn.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Because we had a week-end guest, I bought the ingredients for a breakfast recipe that I haven’t used in years. The recipe is for Dutch Babies, or German pancakes. It calls for lemon zest to be sprinkled over the berries that top the dish.

Well, our week-end guest left at 6:30 a.m., and insisted the night before that we not get up, so we didn’t. Yet all of those ingredients were calling my name. So my husband and I decided to sleep in, skip church, and enjoy a quiet, delectable brunch together.

As I prepared the lemon zest, I experienced ZEST. It’s a word that had come to me last week in meditation—zest for life. Now I was experiencing that word’s second appearance in less than a week.

As I drew forth the shavings from the peel of the lemon, aroma burst forth, excitedly. The tiny pieces of lemon peel had a hard time landing in the bowl; they flew and danced across my counter top, making me giggle as I gathered them.

This recipe would be good without the lemon zest. But with it, the recipe is fantastic. I noticed the aliveness of the lemon flavor as I ate—how it awoke all of my senses!

And so it is with life. We can live it, checking off our lists of “ingredients” that are all quite good. But something is missing without the zest. Some of our senses are asleep

Zest—something that imparts a relish—a piquant [keen]quality that adds to the enjoyment of something.

Without zest, life may be good enough. With it, we are alive, responsive, alert, fully present to tiny gifts that make us giggle.

Zest for life

            Surrounds me with beauty

            Enfolds me with love

            Caresses me with prosperity

            Holds me in faith

            Sparkles me in joy

If your recipe for life is feeling a little dull, add zest. If you’re not sure how to do that, then just set an intention:  “This week, I add zest to my life.” Be alert to see it appear.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Recently a client who is changing her life by making healthier choices asked, “Now that I don’t drink, what do I do in my free time?”

This question might be asked in hundreds of ways: “Now that I don’t smoke . . . eat excessively . . . read trashy novels . . . gossip on the telephone . . . meddle in my children’s lives . . .” And the list goes on and on.

It’s a good question: What do I do in the pause between activities, responsibilities, schedules, and tasks? Those times when I panic because I don’t have a script for this, so I start feeling anxious?

Get a sheet of paper. Skipping a line between each entry, write everything you can think of that you love doing. Maybe it’s going for a walk. Maybe it’s just sitting outside. Maybe it’s going to the pool, getting a massage, visiting your favorite art gallery, or simply reading a magazine. List everything you can think of, large and small.

After you’ve filled the page and maybe more, get a pair of scissors and cut so that each entry is on its own strip of paper. Find an empty box—preferably a beautiful box that you love. Fold each strip and place in the box.

The next time you have a few minutes and don’t know what to do with yourself, open the box and draw a strip. If you happen to draw one that won’t work for that moment—like taking a walk, when you don’t have time to clean up from being sweaty—simply put it back and draw another one.

Yesterday afternoon, I had one of those pause moments when I came to the end of THE LIST and had a couple of hours, unfilled. I had just bought a new memoir by someone I admire, and I was eager to start reading it. It was a cool, overcast day with a slight breeze, beckoning me out, so I followed. Sitting in my back yard, surrounded by beauty, I read a few pages and then put my head back, eyes closed, and let the words soak in. Then I read some more. I stayed as long as I wanted, without looking at a clock. (I had left my watch indoors.)

My old script was that I had to be busy all the time, following a schedule. My new script is that my life is happier when I focus on enjoying it. Make a plan for adding enjoyment to your life. Write a new script, cut it into strips, and put it in a box. Then, when you come to the place of possibility, you have a plan.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Beyond the stoplight, I saw something white floating, fluttering, slightly dropping, then suddenly rising. It was the middle of the day—not the time for an erratic bat or swallow to be out. I squinted my eyes to make out the shape more clearly. Then, into the right corner of my vision flew a bird, easily navigating the breeze that was flipping and bouncing what I now realized was a piece of paper.

What this small observation has to do with boundaries is that people without boundaries are like the piece of paper. Someone gets angry, and they jump. Something scary happens, and they “lose it.” Since there’s no clear definition within them—no wings to navigate the breeze—they rise and fall on the winds of someone else’s disposition or actions.

Or they take their cue from events, reacting rather than thoughtfully responding.

For people with fuzzy or no boundaries, a controversial issue can turn them into red-faced bullies or white-faced, terrified individuals.

What boundaries are really all about is determining who we ourselves want to be, no matter what is happening around us.

Learning to set and keep boundaries is an essential component of maturity. It’s about who we truly are and what we truly want to experience in our lives. Unlike paper and birds, we get to make that choice.

The women’s retreat on Saturday, September 12, will produce clarity on the dance of boundaries in relationships. Give yourself the gift of the peace of mind that comes with clear boundaries. Register today at http://www.HigherPowerFoundation.com