Archive for the ‘Main’ Category

by Nancy O.

Yesterday I saw someone I hadn’t seen in years. Someone with whom I once had an uneasy relationship. Someone I was forced to work with and would not have chosen as a friend. Someone I didn’t respect. Someone whose sight and voice used to raise my hackles. In other words, my behavior was stuck to hers. In her presence I wasn’t my best self; I was someone I didn’t even like–almost as if my dislike of her reflected back to me in dislike of myself.

But I’ve learned to respect other people’s right to live their lives as they please. So yesterday I was able to be comfortable as I had a polite conversation with her. My hackles weren’t raised. My self-righteous judgment didn’t emerge. I kept the focus on why I had come to that event and didn’t allow myself to be pulled off course.

Make a list of the people in your life who pull you off course. In the second column, write what happens to you in their presence. In the third column, write how you truly want to be. Finally, write an intention to be the person you truly want to be. It might go something like this: I am my relaxed, calm, best self, trusting that the best thing will happen for me. True to myself, I am unstuck from every other person’s presence and behavior.

I wish I had learned this lesson earlier in my life.

by Nancy O.

After my last post, one of my faithful readers asked this question: “What do you suggest for those of us who don’t have the money for two weeks in Europe or two weeks anywhere at the moment? My question – and the one that applies to most people on the planet – is how do we find ‘relief from the struggle’ right where we are, doing what we have to do to make a living or care for a relative or children?”

I found an answer to his question in a book I’m reading right now, Combat Crew by John Comer. By the way, it’s a good read before you see the new movie “Red Tails.”

In this journal from a man in the thick of WWII air combat I found these words: “On days we weren’t flying, . . . there developed for me a new pleasure in simple things. . . . One achieves an exalted state of existence only at rare moments. The rest of life is the daily sequence of one small insignificant thing followed by another. If one stands aloof waiting for another mountaintop experience, and fails to find zest in the small matters that comprise most of life, he or she will miss a majority of the best life has to offer.”

I love that word “zest.” Maybe the one small thing someone does today is put lemon zest on his salad. Or walk outside and look–really look–at the wonder of a tree or a flower. Or clean the leaves off the deck or plant a flower.

Many are the years I spent in worry, checking off lists, and going through life without noticing the wonders all around me. Many are the days when I pushed myself unmercifully and terrified myself with my thinking. That’s why today I write about relief from suffering.

Someone told me once that suffering is caused from our own resistance, and I agree. Suffering lives in the mind. Spending even five minutes in silence, focused on what you are grateful for, is like giving the mind a nice warm bath. It refreshes. It costs nothing. It’s renewing. It’s relief from struggle.

by Nancy O.

My husband and I just returned from two weeks in Europe–one week in Cyprus and one in Croatia. These destinations are off the beaten track for Americans; in fact, we saw only one other American family during the entire two weeks.

When we travel, we don’t go on tours. Instead, we get maps and books and decide, one day at a time, what we will do. I call this wayfinding–letting one thing naturally lead to the next, open for discovery. Our technology didn’t work well, so we were completely unplugged–no phone, no internet, little English language TV. A beautiful head-clearing. A wonderful re-connection with each other. Nothing to tie us to the everyday lives we live here in Austin.

Greek mythology has it that Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, was born from the Mediterranean sea crashing ashore near the place where we stayed. So I set an intention for the trip to become more open for love.

For two weeks I was set free from judgment. People I encountered were speaking other languages; I couldn’t understand what they were saying, so I didn’t judge whether or not I agreed. They were from different cultures, so I gave no thought to what they wore or how they looked. We were seeing wondrous, beautiful sights, and my heart was increasingly opening to the beauty, with each sight even more amazing than the last. Appreciation was my dominant emotion.

This is a gift of travel–seeing with new eyes. One of my teachers once said, “What you see is not what you’re looking at; it’s what you’re looking with. So let us look with eyes of love.”

It’s easier to look with eyes of love when I’m in a strange place. Now my intention is to be the me who was in Cyprus and Croatia when I’m in Austin in my everyday life.

Nancy’s book Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Links are below.

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Head-Heart-Working-Authentically/dp/1932690433/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317055134&sr=1-3

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/journey-from-head-to-heart-nancy-oelklaus/1018149687?ean=9781932690439&itm=2&usri=oelklaus

by Nancy O.

A women’s group I belong to has a potluck Christmas dinner every year in the same member’s spacious home. This year, however, our hostess had an unexpected death in the family, and two days before the event, we were without a place to have the party.

Fortunately, we have other members whose homes are large enough, and one of those agreed to be hostess.

It would have been so easy for the unexpected hostess to work herself into a frazzle preparing on such short notice and be a nervous wreck when the day of the event arrived.

Not so.

She was relaxed, at ease. She laughed a lot. There was no sense of nervousness at all. She gave all of us the gift of her gracious, relaxed presence.

As we draw close to Christmas Day, what presence are you giving your family? Your friends? Your guests?

My friend tells me she hasn’t always been this way–that she used to get very highstrung and perfectionistic. But she learned through the years that this is a better way.

Merry, enjoyable Christmas!

Nancy is taking two weeks off. The next newsletter you receive will be on January 9.

by Nancy O.

Since 1982 my husband has been collecting Waterford crystal ornaments. Faithfully, he has bought one a year, and I’ve had fun deciding how best to display them year after year.

Two years ago, after cruising through some decorating shops, I decided to hang these precious ornaments on some long, rubbery branches that I had placed in a tall white ceramic vase. I had weighted the bottom of the vase with black stones to secure the branches so they would stand.

After I had carefully placed each ornament, I stood back to admire what I had done. The vase needed straightening on the small table, so I reached out to re-arrange it. When I touched the vase, everything came crashing to the floor–branches, crystal, white pottery, and black stones, scattered everywhere.

Hearing the loud commotion, my husband came into the room. He said, “How can I help?” Shaken, I responded, “Just leave me alone right now.” He walked back out.

As gently as I could, I lifted the flexible branches with the crystal ornaments still attached, placing them softly on the dining room table. Then I cleaned up the mess–the shattered pottery, the stones.

I couldn’t even look at the crystal. I left it and went into the den to watch TV and get my mind off the disaster. When I sat down, my husband turned to me and said, “They’re just things. It doesn’t matter.” Both of us believed there had been a great loss.

The next morning, after a good night’s rest, I faced the branches on the dining room table and began removing, one by one, the ornaments. To my utter amazement, not one had been broken. No chips. No cracks. Not one. Truly, a gift.

But the greatest gift was my husband’s forgiveness and kindness.

by Nancy O.

Ten days before Christmas when my daughter was 16 months old, she became very ill during the night. First thing the following morning, we were at the pediatrician’s office. The doctor was puzzled by her symptoms. “I think it might be pneumonia,” he said. “If she isn’t better by early afternoon, call and I’ll admit her to the hospital.”

I looked down at my baby. She was listless and gray. I had never defied a doctor before, but this time my voice said, “I want this baby in the hospital now.” He agreed.

Around noon, a nurse came into her room to give my daughter a shot. She didn’t even flinch. Moments later, the doctor came in, said, “I’m going to do a spinal tap. It may be meningitis.” Quickly, they wheeled her out of the room.

Following the procedure, the doctor came to her father and me and said, “We have to grow the culture to be sure, but it’s clearly meningitis. I think we caught it early enough that she won’t have any permanent damage, if she lives.”

For the next 10 days, she lay listless in the hospital bed with tubes in her arms, under an oxygen tent. The few people who were allowed into the room had to wear a hospital gown and a mask. I rarely left her side. I was in constant prayer.

Slowly, very slowly, she began to respond. Her color returned. She moved. But mostly she slept. My hope increased.

On Christmas Eve, the doctor said, “She’s ready to come out.” He removed the oxygen tent and all the tubing. For the first time since the ordeal began, I was able to hold her, and it frightened me. She had lost muscle tone and felt like a large newborn in my arms. She couldn’t even hold her head up. But the doctor reassured me. “These little ones recover fast. She’ll be running down the hospital halls by the end of the day.” And he was right.

That night I slept soundly and didn’t hear the Christmas elf who tiptoed into the room to leave a red flannel stocking stuffed with plastic toys on the corner of my daughter’s bed.

I’m grateful for the vigilant nurse and the capable doctor. On that Christmas, I received the gift of my daughter for the second time. I’m also grateful for the quiet presence who left toys for the delight of a child. I believe in Christmas.

Nancy’s book Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Links are below.

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Head-Heart-Working-Authentically/dp/1932690433/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317055134&sr=1-3

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/journey-from-head-to-heart-nancy-oelklaus/1018149687?ean=9781932690439&itm=2&usri=oelklaus

by Nancy O.

For several years now, I just haven’t bought in to the frantic, anxiety-filled Christmas that so many people, from their conversation, seem to have. In fact, right now my car is filled with ornaments and decorations that I have decided to let go. They’re still good. In fact, they’re beautiful. But I’ve realized that I really don’t need three Christmas trees, and it’s okay for some table tops not to be decorated and candled.

Excess, even when beautiful, weighs me down. Only one tree is going up this year. It’s elegant and simple. It is enough.

My husband recently reminded me of a very joyous Christmas we spent together. We flew into New York City on Christmas Eve as dusk was falling. We checked into the hotel and then walked to Central Park as it began to snow. Few people were out. Just my husband and me and snowy beauty. A simple Christmas.

Nancy’s book Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Links are below.

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Head-Heart-Working-Authentically/dp/1932690433/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317055134&sr=1-3

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/journey-from-head-to-heart-nancy-oelklaus/1018149687?ean=9781932690439&itm=2&usri=oelklaus

by Nancy O.

Several years ago when I was going through a very stressful time, someone suggested to me that I make a gratitude list. Up until that time, my philosophy had been to expect the worst; that way, I was never disappointed. To shift from looking for problems to looking for blessings was a profound change for me.

Vividly I remember what that early list was like: I was grateful for gasoline and a car to drive. I was grateful for a friend who helped. It was autumn, and I was grateful for cool weather and nature’s beauty. I became conscious of being grateful.

Gradually, over time, as I practiced gratitude, my ability to appreciate my life increased. To my amazement, the quality of my life also improved.

This week we celebrate Thanksgiving–which for many people is about an abundance of food. This year I have decided to de-emphasize the food and focus instead on being thankful. Today I made a list of people I will call or write for no other reason than to tell them I’m grateful for their presence in my life.

I’m making gratitude a conscious practice. My goal is to tell every person with whom I interact, in person or via email, what I appreciate about them. That includes my husband–and you.

Thank you for reading these emails. It warms my heart and encourages me when you respond in writing or come up to me in a gathering and tell me that something I wrote was beneficial. I’m grateful for my readers. Have a gratitude-filled Thanksgiving!

by Nancy O.

The Penn State abuse scandal reminds us, once more, of the devastation that results when trust is broken and kept secret. We’re seeing vividly that when Truth is covered, darkness expands.

Thankfully, we’re also seeing that the power of Truth transcends both fame and shame. We long for Truth. Something deep within us cries out for it. Even if it takes years, decades, or lifetimes to come to light, when Truth surfaces, what follows our shock is relief.

As a person who experienced same-sex abuse by someone I trusted, I know that the resultant secret takes away emotional capacity. It separates us from ourselves and everyone else. We remain stuck between shock and woundedness. We build defenses, like calluses, that protect us from other potential abusers. These calluses also shield us from wonderful experiences with people who truly can be trusted–but we don’t trust. It’s too risky.

All lies separate people from themselves, which is the real tragedy.

So my blog today is not about sexual abuse. It’s about the abuse created by lies and the power of truth to heal.

I learned a long time ago that everyone has “stuff.” If you’re still lying about some of yours, set yourself free. Take a moment to write it out and then find a wise, trusted person–an empathetic, forgiving listener–to share it. Accept the healing that results.
Nancy Oelklaus teaches people to stop struggling and start living the lives they truly want to live.
www.HeadtoHeart.com -

by Nancy O.

Last week I did an energy analysis with a client and experienced, once more, the power of this simple tool to help people see how their own thinking and feeling can be a depletion. Truth sets us free, and once the truth is exposed, we are in a good position to be able to make changes that are good for us and that bring us closer to living the lives we truly want to live.

I myself fall prey to energy depletion occasionally. I become aware of it when I realize that I’m stressed or ill at ease. Once that awareness comes, the next step is to ask, “What am I thinking and feeling?”

It’s a temptation to explain away the depletion by saying, “Cloudy days get me down.” Or “I’m just tired from a busy week-end.”

But rigorous honesty is the pathway out of depletion. In my case, I have allowed myself to become very irritated by another person’s behavior. When that happens, I know I’m trying to control something that’s beyond my control–namely, another person. The futile struggle depletes my energy and leaves me exhausted.

Right now I’m living in the awareness of the exhaustion and what has caused it. Some people call the state I’m in “surrender” or “acceptance.” It’s a necessary stepping stone towards the return of the peaceful, happy state of mind I prefer to live in.

This transformation begins with awareness of personal energy. I recommend that you try this process for an energy boost!

Contact Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com for more information about the energy analysis.

by Nancy O.

Some speakers, when they tell their life story, say they felt there was a hole in them that they kept trying to fill. My story is that there seemed to be a big ball of something outside of me that separated me from others and cushioned all experience. I’ve come to understand that the name of that ball is fear.

Recently I’ve become aware that one of my greatest fears has come to me. I’m living in it. Never mind what it is or where it came from. If I told you, you would laugh–because to most people, it is a blessing. But I was raised to fear it, so here I am, uncomfortable!

Author Betty Sue Flowers once gave great advice to someone who was terrified that she would end up as a greeter at Wal-Mart. She told the woman to go do it. Once she had experienced it, she wouldn’t have to fear it any more.

This advice makes sense to me, as I realize that’s exactly what I’m doing–making friends with fear.

Fear is a powerful force. It affects stock markets, bank accounts, health, personal effectiveness, and relationships. The opposite of fear is faith, which is what we exercise when we walk into our fear and make friends with it. Since faith is a higher state of being, it’s a happier place to be.

So I’m going to change my self-talk from, “Oh, my gosh, I’m doing what I’m terrified of!” to “I’m exercising faith and enjoying my life.”

It’s really rather nice not to have to carry that big ball around with me.

As a coach, Nancy helps people transform fear to faith.

www.HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

Recently I was reminded of this line from Shakespeare’s play Hamlet:
“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou cans’t not be false to any man.” The character Hamlet didn’t speak these words; rather, it was Polonius, an advice-giving character. He was spot-on with this advice.

Have you made any promises to yourself that you haven’t kept? About your eating habits? Or exercise? Or spending? Or your relationship with your husband or children or other family or friends? And how about taking care of yourself? Any promises in that department? How about the number of hours you are working a week? Or the level of frustration you have at the end of the day? Have you made any promises to yourself to do better so that you feel better and are more pleasant company for yourself and others?

Neuroscientist Candace Pert says that even the smallest lie (like an unkept promise) sets up a stress response in our cells. If you are overwhelmed by a bevy of unkept promises, it’s time to wipe the slate clean. Write out all the promises you’ve made and haven’t kept. Make the list as long as it needs to be. Shred them or rip them to shreds.
Throw them away.

Now make a list of things you like–even love–about yourself. Give yourself a respite from trying to get better or get more or do more or be more. Become content by realizing what is truly wonderful about you, right now, just as you are. This is your assignment for the week.

Dr. Nancy Oelklaus coaches people to be true to the highest and best within them.
www.headtoheart.com -

by Nancy O.

One of the points of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements is “be impeccable with your words.”

My favorite poet, Emily Dickinson, wrote, “A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.” This is why we must be impeccable with our words.

Impeccable. Flawless. Right on target. Have you ever experienced chill bumps when someone spoke? That’s the power of truth. The power of being impeccable with words.

It’s not an easy goal to achieve. Many people use words so carelessly, tossing them around like cold germs, not caring where they land or who they hit. Not even caring whether or not they are true.

What matters most is the emotion behind the words. That’s what Ruiz was getting at. When we don’t say something that needs to be said, we’re not being impeccable. When we speak in anger or frustration, that’s not being impeccable. When we’re defending or attacking, that’s not impeccable.

This principle also applies to self-talk: what we say to ourselves when no one else is listening.

When we speak with respect, acceptance, truth, and even love, our words are most likely to be impeccable, and it is then that they are powerful. Teilhard de Chardin put it like this, “Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, and gravity, mankind will harness for God the energy of love. Then, for the second time in the history of the world, we will have discovered fire.”

Be impeccable with your words.

Dr. Nancy Oelklaus coaches leaders and individuals to be impeccable with their words–within themselves, as well as others.

http://www.HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O., Personal Life Coach

As I contemplate what’s on my calendar this week, I tilt towards overwhelm. Not into overwhelm, but towards it.

Back in the day, with a calendar like the one I have this week, I would have gone into overdrive, “bowing my neck,” as my father used to say, and pushing myself really hard. The messages in my head would have been “go faster,” “do it now,” “no time to relax,” “work harder.” I would have been a human doing.

Through the years I’ve learned to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned that I get more done when I go slowly than when I go fast. That some details that I drop get resolved without my effort. Most importantly, I’ve learned that my own inner peace is the most important thing. Without it, I exhaust myself. With it, I get done what needs to be done.

In other words, I’ve learned to balance between human being and human doing. I’ve learned that everything gets done when I put my being-ness first. That means stopping to rest. Making sure I’m breathing deeply. Talking to myself in a kind, affirming way. Being consciously aware of the emotional energy that’s driving me.

My intention for this week is this: Grateful for these opportunities before me, I fulfill my responsibilities with ease. I am enough. I have enough resources to boost me. All is well.

Learn more about Nancy’s work at http://HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

Someone said to me recently, “I feel comfortable in my own skin.” Maybe that’s another way of saying, “I know who I am, and I like it.”

By contrast, I certainly know what it’s like not to feel comfortable in my own skin. It happens when my thoughts attack me. Am I wearing the right thing? Do I speak well enough? Am I attractive enough? Thin enough? Smart enough? Educated well enough? Do I know the right thing to say that will get me the results I think I want? Will this group accept me? Will I get my way?

The motivations behind these questions include people-pleasing and control. The emotion they reveal is fear. These are the negative energies that must be transformed before we are able to feel “comfortable in our own skin.”

This week-end I had a “comfortable in my own skin” experience. My husband described it as being “in my element,” like a fish swimming in water. It’s a wholesome, healthy experience. I recommend it.

If you’d like to have it, start with being aware of when you’re uncomfortable in your own skin. And then simply be willing to set authenticity as your goal and be patient for the slow, incremental process it takes to get there.

Nancy’s book Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Links are below.

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Head-Heart-Working-Authentically/dp/1932690433/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317055134&sr=1-3

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/journey-from-head-to-heart-nancy-oelklaus/1018149687?ean=9781932690439&itm=2&usri=oelklaus

by Nancy O.

Recently I’ve been more consciously aware of my actions on my state of mind. What gives me a burst of quiet joy is “doing right by” someone–that is, doing the right thing that benefits another living being, and that includes me.

Some pressures lately have tried to pull me toward controversy and rebellion. I have simply stood for myself and not against anyone. I have “done right by” myself, staying in a peaceful state of mind and on course with what I truly want to be doing with my time. This is a big thing.

I’ve also been noticing rewards from small actions. Like taking our dog, Feathers, out to pee. I’ve been saying to myself, “I did right by Feathers.”

There’s a difference between the quiet joy of “doing right by” and pride, which swells the chest and evokes the ego. The joy of “doing right by” is in the heart. It’s quiet, and it’s small.

Nancy O’s coaching brilliance is getting to the heart of the matter quickly and then gently coaching the person to make changes that bring what they truly want. Learn more at www.HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

Do you know that sound on the highway when you veer just a little too far away from the lines you’re supposed to drive between? It sounds like a washboard–RRRRRRRRRRR. The sound is so grating and offensive that you quickly become more alert and get back into the part of the road you’re supposed to drive on.

That happened to me recently on a long drive home from a class reunion.

This morning I realized I’ve gotten off course in some other areas of my life, as well–mainly, eating and exercise. I really enjoyed that class reunion, eating everything offered and spurning the exercise room in the hotel. That behavior extended beyond the week-end and throughout this week. This morning I awoke feeling the effects of my choices. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. When my husband said, “Good morning,” I growled. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Get back between the lines!

There are certain disciplines that make our lives work well. For me, it’s daily meditation and spiritual practice, awareness of my state of mind and choosing to be peaceful. It’s eating and exercising for optimum health. It’s staying in touch with family and friends. It’s doing meaningful work and having meaningful conversation. It’s stretching my mind and heart to embrace new challenges and continue to learn and change.

If I veer away from this center and cross the line, RRRRRRRRRRR. My body, mind, heart, and soul make an awful response.

What are the disciplines that make your life work? Are you staying between the lines?

by Nancy O.

If you’re one of those people who often use the phrase “I struggle with,” this blog is for you. You may have a way of thinking that makes you feel that if you’re not struggling with something, you’re not fully alive. People caught in this trap are always looking for something to struggle with. From the energy exerted through the struggle, they get a “high.”

There is an alternative.

This summer I met a man who has macular degeneration, with only a little peripheral vision left. This man has had a lot of success in his life, and he didn’t want his blindness to diminish the quality of his life. He made the decision to embrace his loss of vision–even have fun with it. He went to school to learn how to be blind. He says, “Don’t help me unless I ask.” With a super magnifying tool, he plays dominoes. He hangs out with the guys and loves good stories.

This man has reached a deep level of acceptance of things he cannot change. He embraced what others might call misfortune and made a decision to learn with it.

If there’s something in your life that you’re struggling with, maybe it’s time to embrace it and learn.

Nancy’s books are available at http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/oelklaus?store=book

and http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Oelklaus

by Nancy O.

Vacate is the root word of vacation. Vacate means to empty, and that’s what I did for the last two weeks.

Vacation, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is “absence from duty.” It’s liberating.

Instead of working, I read, napped, went to the hot tub, found quaint little shops, hiked in the cool Rockies, went on picnics, drove my husband’s golf cart, and met new people. We didn’t schedule ourselves; instead, in the morning, one of us would ask, “What would you like to do today?” And then we did it. Activity came in small doses.

This two-week hiatus was a new experience. I realized that I had been telling myself I really didn’t need a vacation because I love my work and I practice daily meditation, so I was “vacating” all along. How wrong I was!

In this state of relaxation, I gained a new self awareness and appreciation. Early this morning I realized that what I experienced on this vacation was bliss–joy in the highest degree.

If you haven’t had a two-week vacation recently, I suggest you schedule one, right away. We scheduled this one a year in advance. Do it now.

by Nancy O.

Vacate is the root word of vacation. Vacate means to empty, and that’s what I did for the last two weeks.

Vacation, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is “absence from duty.” It’s liberating.

Instead of working, I read, napped, went to the hot tub, found quaint little shops, hiked in the cool Rockies, went on picnics, drove my husband’s golf cart, and met new people. We didn’t schedule ourselves; instead, in the morning, one of us would ask, “What would you like to do today?” And then we did it. Activity came in small doses.

This two-week hiatus was a new experience. I realized that I had been telling myself I really didn’t need a vacation because I love my work and I practice daily meditation, so I was “vacating” all along. How wrong I was!

In this state of relaxation, I gained a new self awareness and appreciation. Early this morning I realized that what I experienced on this vacation was bliss–joy in the highest degree.

If you haven’t had a two-week vacation recently, I suggest you schedule one, right away. We scheduled this one a year in advance. Do it now.

by Nancy O.

The last Hye Road retreat was the first time the participants went to the round pen to work with horses. Here’s what we learned in just a couple of hours:

The question is not whether the horse will work with you; the question is whether you will inspire the horse to do what you want him to do. The question is whether you will have the courage, in front of an audience, to learn something brand new. What we learned in the round pen that Saturday morning is that with horses, as with humans, fear and force do not work well. Asking for help and realizing that the horse does not respect you unless you respect yourself–that’s what works.

With horses, as with humans, if someone close to you isn’t doing what you want, it’s not about the horse. It’s about the energy you are exuding that may be affecting that person’s behavior.

The next Hye Road Retreat is September 30-October 2. For more information, click here

www.HeadtoHeart.com (Choose retreat)

by Nancy O.

Most of us have some “supposed to’s” in our heads–what our children are supposed to do–what our marriage is supposed to be like–how our house is supposed to look–how much we are supposed to weigh–how many friends we are supposed to have and who they should be–how much money we should have–what position we should occupy. And I could go on. But I won’t. Because those “supposed to’s” bring only never-ending strife and frustration of trying to control things that are beyond our control. They never bring happiness.

Peace began to come to me when I heard a woman say, “Everything is all right, already.” At the time I first met her, my life was out of control. The grace of her simple words calmed me and helped me find manageability. I began to learn that life is not about perfection, but grace.

Nancy’s next Hye Road Retreat with horseman Lindy Segall is September 30-October 2.

More information at www.HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

A couple of weeks ago I was preparing to lead a small retreat for which I had a lot of responsibility, including food preparation. I completed the most important thing–the retreat design–early and left grocery shopping and cooking until last. I was working all of this into an already-busy schedule, but I could see from my lists and plans that there was enough time to accomplish everything if I remained calm and steady.

To stay in a calm, steady state of mind, I did two things:

1. I paused between tasks to clear my mind. Sometimes that meant I drank water or sat down for a minute. Sometimes it meant I walked out on the deck to water my plants and check on the garden. Once or twice it meant taking a short nap when I was tired.

2. I kept priorities clear, not worrying about what was ahead, just keeping my mind on the task at hand. So each time I paused between tasks, I was resetting my priorities, checking off the one just completed and bringing a new one forward.

What surprised me about this experience is that, while my prior experience with food preparation had always been exhausting, this time I found I actually enjoyed it!

May this simple process bring more ease and enjoyment into your life, as it did mine!

Nancy Oelklaus leads Hye Road Retreats with horseman Lindy Segall. Learn more at www.HeadtoHeart.com.

by Nancy O.

On my walk around Lady Bird Lake this morning the first person I saw was a revered bishop. Now retired in advanced years, he shuffled, his eyes mostly on the ground, but glancing up with a sparkle still in his eyes.

The last person I saw was a young man on a bicycle in a string bikini, looking proudly around to see if anyone noticed his bare buttocks.

The challenge of diversity is nonjudgment, maintaining good will toward all.

I’m fortunate to live in Austin, where “Keep it weird” is a city slogan. But respecting others’ differences is still a challenge for many of us.

In the 1920’s Max Ehrmann wrote, “As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story” (Desiderata).

Nancy leads quarterly Hye Road Retreats with horseman Lindy Segall. For information about upcoming retreats, go to www.HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

Something that happened yesterday prompted me to use a tool I teach others yet hadn’t used myself in awhile. This tool works to maintain one’s own peace of mind when another person is in distress. Simply write out what you want for that person, writing from your heart in the present tense–as if it is already true. Then let it go. Here’s what I wrote this morning:

(Name) has found peace and joy in his life. He has found his true identity as a precious child of God, and this self-awareness heals all the brokenness within him. God guides his every step and decision to create a good, productive life. He has made amends to his parents and others he has hurt. He has found a life he loves and freely shares that life with others. He lives a meaningful, inspiring life.

When I use this tool, I let go of that person’s well being. In my heart I know I’ve done the most powerful thing I can do, and I let that person go.

I encourage you to try this tool. It works with family members, friends, significant others, and co-workers. Write what you want, and in your heart know that all is well.

Nancy leads quarterly Hye Road Retreats with horseman Lindy Segall. Watch for announcement of the next retreat dates at www.HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

What would you like to be free of? Resentment of an insensitive boss or partner? Worry over money or health or relationships or world unrest? Dissatisfaction over a job that doesn’t fit? Uneasiness in someone’s presence?

Make a list of everything in your life that is not going well; negativity within you towards that thing has made you stuck, and you’re making no progress in that area of your life.

Now begin a sentence: I am willing to be freed from my ____________ about _____________. Write this sentence for everything that is on your list.

Years ago, my greatest consternation was my daughter, who at the time was not communicating very regularly, so to fill that void, my mind was creating stories that scared me. The problem was never my daughter; it was my worry about her. One evening, after a heart-wrenching cry, my tears dried, I sat straight up and said out loud, “I will not be her victim!” Underlying that statement was my willingness to be freed from my own worry, which led me, one step at a time, to take action that healed. Today, my daughter is one of the joys of my life.

On this day-after-the-Fourth-of-July, set yourself free with willingness.

Nancy coaches individuals and leads retreats to set people free to live the lives they truly want.

by Nancy O.

Last Thursday evening I was a victim of passion in my own home. Two dinner guests unleashed language so full of fire that it took all the air and space in the room. It felt like unmerciful searing. For the rest of my mostly sleepless night, my brain was on fire. Psychically, it burned.

Since, I’ve been working my way out of this emotional hijacking. This morning in my journal I wrote, “Passion ignites; respect inspires.” So let’s talk about respect.

We can say anything we truly need to say without hurting anyone if we speak with respect. Respect is kind. Respect is true. With respect, the possibility of two-way learning increases.

My husband and I are of different political persuasions. We’ve been married for almost 15 years, and there have been some very difficult times when we both aimed word-bombs at each other in an attempt to destroy the other’s ideology. But somewhere along the line, we changed. It may have started with learning to use the expression, “You might be right,” to release the tension.

It progressed to the ability simply to listen to ideas that are different, weigh them, and thoughtfully respond. Over time, he and I have both moderated our views. Each of us is coming closer to the center and find, to our delight and amazement, that we agree on many issues.

Respect inspires. A definition for “inspire” is “to breathe life into.” When the relationship is important, put passion aside. Speak with respect.

Nancy teaches authentic, truthful communication in Hye Road Retreats.

For more information, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com

by Nancy O.

Sometimes we lapse into complaining, critical conversation just because everyone else is doing it. You know how these conversations work–someone expresses an opinion, and others join. It’s party conversation.

At a party last year a friend asked, “What have you been up to?” I answered, “I’m writing a book about excellent Texas school districts.” Her response was, “Are there any?” I said, “I’m writing about ten of them, and there are many more.” But by then her attention had gone to another person in the room. She was finished with the conversation. She had made her shot and moved on.

It’s in vogue to be critical of public schools these days. But I’m looking at the data that shows steady improvement since the early 90’s, even in the face of increasing diversity and population. Now I’m working with a group to discover how we can communicate this information to change the conversation.

Now think about your life. In conversations, does anything make you uneasy? Are you hearing complaining, critical conversations? Are you participating in them? If so, your life will be happier and more peaceful if you follow this process:

1. Ask, “How important is it?” Don’t give your energy to everything; be choosy. Make sure it really matters.

2. Ask, “What is the truth?” You may need to get more information, as I am doing. This takes time.

3. Once you have determined it is important and you have the information you need, speak up. Lift your voice–not in anger, but in the spirit of truth.

Thus, you will have changed the conversation. Once you start, keep doing it.

I teach people simply to live to the highest truth that is within them.

Learn how at www.HeadtoHeart.com

This morning someone asked me, “What blocks change?” Evidence that most human beings resist change is everywhere. Only 1 out of 10 severe heart patients who are told that they must eat healthy and exercise or they will die actually make the changes that will keep them alive. Nine do not.

What’s standing in our way? The answer is simple: We want to live life on our terms: to eat as much as we want AND be healthy. Not exercise AND be thin and supple. Charge our credit cards to the hilt AND have plenty of ready cash with no debt. My mother used to call this behavior “have your cake and eat it, too.”

In other words, we want our way. That’s what blocks change. We stubbornly refuse to accept the laws of nature or economics or any power that is higher than our own will.

Just yesterday I observed my own strong will when I took a hot glass out of the dishwasher and stuck it under the crushed ice selection in my refrigerator door. Needless to say, the glass cracked because I broke a law of science. Amazing to me, I actually thought the glass might crack before I hit the crushed ice selection, but something inside me said, “Naw. The glass is cool enough.” That’s how strong my will is. I can actually convince myself that I can overcome the laws of nature! That stubborn two-year old and invincible teenager are still living somewhere in my psyche, ready to overrule my better judgment.

So how do we overcome our human tendency to resist change? The first step is to get honest with ourselves about what we’re REALLY doing. Stop the struggle and tell ourselves the truth. It’s a good beginning.

I help people change and live happier, more peaceful lives. Learn more at www.HeadtoHeart.com.

by Nancy O.

The pebble I just removed from my shoe is about the size of one Grape Nut. I felt it come in at my heel as I walked around Lady Bird Lake this morning. Near the end of the trail, I didn’t want to stop, so I hoped it would work its way back out. Instead, I felt it drop to my heel, then under my arch, and finally lodge in the fleshy part of my foot, stuck between my foot and my shoe.

Stubbornly, I walked on, drove home, read the morning paper, and then considered whether to empty the dishwasher or water the plants on the deck. I chose first to water the plants because I needed shoes to do it. Once the watering was done, I decided, I could take my shoes off, retrieve the pebble, and empty the dishwasher.

It was then that I realized this pebble was determining my decisions!

Once I attended a spiritual event where we were instructed to choose a pebble to put in our shoe and walk around. I carefully chose one that would fit just under my toes and walked quite comfortably.

But this morning I got the point. Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away. It’s still there, taking up space in our brains and sapping our energy.

The next time I attract a pebble, I’ll stop right then and remove it. Life is easier and simpler that way.

I help people change. Learn how at www.HeadtoHeart.com.

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Recent coincidences have given me the feeling of floating in life. I’m in a time of letting go and trusting that all things work together for good. I’m learning to be awake for learning without trying to figure everything out all by myself. And the gifts keep coming while my mind is calm and open.

Such peace of mind is what most people want. What keeps us from it is distractions. Yesterday a neighbor remarked to me that his family had been to the lake, he was exhausted, and they had lost and then found a cushion that flew off the boat. I wondered about this form of recreation. One of my teachers once told me that the word is re-creation–that if we do it well, we feel revitalized. But some people think of it as wreck-reation, and they are worse off when they finish than when they began.

When we’re focused on the boat–all the gadgets and tasks and stuff and things that surround us and mishaps that happen, we often become overwhelmed and even exhausted. But when we’re focused on the stream that’s flowing effortlessly to take us where we’re meant to be, we’re exhilarated!

Today is Memorial Day, a time when we pause to give thanks for the men and women who died so that we have freedom. We owe it to them to do everything we can to be truly free and enjoy our lives.

Merely live to the highest truth that you now know.

For more information about Nancy’s coaching services, go to www.HeadtoHeart.com.

by Nancy O.

Here’s a shortcut to personal and professional change. Get clear on what you truly want. Write out that statement as an intention. Keep that statement in front of you all the time. When you feel frazzled, read it. Do it every day. Keep on doing it. If change seems to be taking a long time, keep on doing it anyway.

Stop making long lists of things you want to change about yourself. It’s exhausting and discouraging. Stop “working” on yourself.

Here’s an intention I suggested for a client yesterday:

Build trust by keeping commitments; thus, lead and inspire others.

This client had identified not keeping commitments as a problem in her organization. Since change works from the inside out, the appropriate place to start is by looking at the mirror. “Become the change you want to see,” as Ghandi put it.

And keep on doing it.

Focused, sustained commitment will ultimately bring you what you truly want.

Nancy works with people to get clear on the inner core of high values to which they align their thoughts, words, and actions. Regardless of what happens and what others say and do, they are true to those values. They stand for them and not against anyone.

Nancy’s e-books are available at http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Oelklaus and http://productsearch.barnesandnoble.com/search/results.aspx?store=BOOK&WRD=oelklaus&page=&prod=univ&choice=book&query=Oelklaus&flag=False&pos=-1&box=Oelklaus&ugrp=2

by Nancy O.

People often ask me what I do. The simplest answer is, “I help people change.” I do that through listening intently to discover where to begin. Although every person is unique in the mix of challenges she brings, there is remarkable similarity in the process that is required to make the change she wants to experience.

Stage One: Overwhelm/Feeling Out of Control. People feel like jugglers, with tasks and people a moving blur. They’re just tending to what’s in front of them at the time. “Priorities?” they say. “You must be joking!” The list of things to do is either in their heads or is pages long, and taking care of themselves is ranked so low that it’s not even on the list. Most importantly, taking responsibility for one’s own emotional state is an unknown concept. Usually, people are in a reactive, fearful, angry mode, although some–women especially–appear poised and confident. But underneath, all is not well.

Another variation of this out-of-controlness is being frustrated by someone else’s behavior. Other people–either co-workers or family members–just aren’t doing what she wants them to do. Clearly, what she’s doing isn’t working, but she doesn’t know any alternatives that might change the dynamic and get better results.

Stage Two: Cleansing and Cleaning. Forces driving the overwhelm are named and transformed into states of mind that are more conducive to peaceful, productive life. What’s interesting about this state is that when they begin the internal shifting, people begin to clean out closets, effortlessly, or get rid of clutter. It’s a natural byproduct of the internal cleansing and cleaning that’s taking place. People begin to feel lighter, freer.

Stage Three: Getting Clear on What You Truly Want. Simple tools enable people to set boundaries and focus on what they truly want in their lives. Then they set goals and priorities. The most powerful process in this stage is writing powerful intentions that drive all action. This is the stage when people begin to understand the true meaning of empowerment and experience it.

Stage Four: Continuously align daily thoughts, feelings, and actions with intentions and priorities–a lifetime commitment. This is a maintenance process that never ends, just like any other healthy practice like exercise or eating or taking vitamins.

Most people cannot successfully make the changes they truly want to see by themselves. It helps to have a trusted confidante, an accepting, appreciative person who becomes a partner in the process.

I love teaching people the tools to become happier and more peaceful.

Read more about Nancy’s coaching process and pricing schedule at www.HeadtoHeart.com

Nancy’s book, Journey from Head to Heart, is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Someday, after he has mastered the winds, the waves, and gravity, mankind will harness for God the energy of Love. Then, for the second time in human history, we will have discovered fire.

Teilhard de Chardin

First came the images on April 29 of the royal wedding. It wasn’t the first royal wedding I’ve seen in my lifetime, but it was the first in which the light of love transcended the regal traditions, with bride and groom so clearly connecting with each other on a meaningful, intimate level.

Then there was the reading from Romans 12: “Let love be genuine. . . . Hold fast to what is good. . . . Outdo one another in showing honor. . . . Rejoice in hope. . . . Seek to show hospitality. . . . Live in harmony with one another. . . . Never be wise in your own sight. . . . If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

The Bishop of London spoke of authenticity; that is, aligning one’s words and actions with the highest and best that is within, with no regard for the energies swirling around from the outside.

Then this morning I awoke to the news that Osama bin Laden is dead. A most infamous terrorist no longer able to plan attacks on innocent people in the name of what he called religion. His reign of terror was long, and we grew tired and frustrated from waiting, just as it is human nature to do.

But today we rejoice. Have you seen the images from Times Square? Today we celebrate that love is stronger than hatred. We rejoice in remembering the ancient words, “Light has come into the world, and the darkness cannot overcome it.”

We had a power-filled week-end. May the Truth of Love and Light, now renewed within us, guide us every hour of every day.

by Nancy O.

At the suggestion of one of my teachers, I’ve been writing the following affirmations for the last few days. Today I simply want to share them with you:

I have affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. I develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in my heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. I find myself involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force my way in life, able to marshal and direct my energies wisely. Eugene Peterson. The Message, p.401.

May these intentions be true for you today.

by Nancy O.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about research I’ve done over the last year on excellent school districts. One of the characteristics these outstanding districts have in common is longevity of excellent leadership at all levels. So I wrote “For greatness, stay.”

This is good advice for those leaders who are in the place that’s right for them. But several times in my life I’ve found myself in a place that wasn’t right for me or that was no longer right for me. In those cases, I’ve left and found myself much better off for having made those difficult decisions.

I’ve left jobs for that reason. I even left a marriage. And I’ve left friendships. About a year ago I walked away from two valuable friendships. My heart was just no longer content to be there. Although I didn’t know it at the time, that decision set me free to devote my focus to a project that is bringing me great fulfillment. And with the project came four new colleagues who have become friends.

The difficulty is knowing whether to leave or stay. How does one know what is authentic? Nurture the wisdom of your heart. Learn how to listen to your heart and distinguish between pettiness and purpose. When we are in the wrong place, we are not at ease. We may even become ill. That happened to me because I was so out of touch with who I truly am.

Because of what I’ve learned through these changes, today what works for me is daily practice of meditation, prayer, getting in touch with my heart, and making the constant shifts that keep me in an authentic life. A life that’s right for me.

Blog your experience at www.HeadtoHeart.com/blog

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an e-book through Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Does anyone remember the Magic Slate? Do they even make them any more? As a child, I loved writing or drawing on my Magic Slate and then lifting the sheet to erase everything and start over. There’s an exhilaration from that experience of erasing and starting over with a clean slate.

If you wish you had a Magic Slate for life experiences and emotions, you might consider these suggestions from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken” (p. 86).

I’ve tried this suggestion. It works. I find that when I take this inventory and apologize quickly, I don’t have to carry my baggage for so long or look for ways to justify my behavior.

Try it. Clean your slate. Begin anew.

Clean the Slate

by Nancy O.

Does anyone remember the Magic Slate? Do they even make them any more? As a child, I loved writing or drawing on my Magic Slate and then lifting the sheet to erase everything and start over. There’s an exhilaration from that experience of erasing and starting over with a clean slate.

If you wish you had a Magic Slate for life experiences and emotions, you might consider these suggestions from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken” (p. 86).

I’ve tried this suggestion. It works. I find that when I take this inventory and apologize quickly, I don’t have to carry my baggage for so long or look for ways to justify my behavior.

Try it. Clean your slate. Begin anew.

Clean the Slate

by Nancy O.

Does anyone remember the Magic Slate? Do they even make them any more? As a child, I loved writing or drawing on my Magic Slate and then lifting the sheet to erase everything and start over. There’s an exhilaration from that experience of erasing and starting over with a clean slate.

If you wish you had a Magic Slate for life experiences and emotions, you might consider these suggestions from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken” (p. 86).

I’ve tried this suggestion. It works. I find that when I take this inventory and apologize quickly, I don’t have to carry my baggage for so long or look for ways to justify my behavior.

Try it. Clean your slate. Begin anew.

by Nancy O.

One of the phrases I remember best from my childhood is, “God helps those who help themselves.” From this saying, I inferred that I wasn’t supposed to ask for help; I was supposed to do whatever needed doing by myself.

Over time, I’ve learned to ask for help. More importantly, I’ve observed that when I reach out to help someone else, the gift flows both ways. I receive as much or more than I give.

This truth recently came to light from a friend’s story. Over tea, a bereaved neighbor had asked my friend to share how she had coped with the death of her daughter almost 40 years ago. My friend said, “I was able to tell her some of the things I have taken comfort from down through the years. For example, we have twin great-granddaughters, and I told her about the traits that each one has inherited from my daughter, their grandmother whom they never knew.”

In telling the story again to me, my friend remembered people’s kindnesses just after her daughter’s tragic, untimely accident so long ago. One friend stopped by her home on his way home from work every day for months, tapped on the kitchen window, and asked, “Are you okay?” She said, “I would always say, ‘I’m okay.’ But I knew if I needed him, he was there.”

The prayer of St. Francis of Assissi says, “It is in giving that we receive.” In helping others, we help ourselves. That’s not why we do it; it’s an unexpected, delightful byproduct. Look around. Who needs the gift of your presence, listening, and sharing from the heart? Give hope to others by blogging your experiences in giving and receiving at www.HeadtoHeart.info/blog.

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Most of my time last year was spent researching, conducting interviews and writing a book about the culture and leadership in excellent school districts. One of the most important findings was that a major contributor to excellence is longevity in leadership. An early superintendent in Richardson ISD, J. J. Pearce, served for 31 years. He drove the roots of Richardson’s culture so deep that the schools can’t not be excellent. And he’s not the only one who stayed; other leaders at all levels, including the classroom and the school board served for a very long time.

It’s tempting, when times get tough, to leave and start over. Some of the people I know refer to this as a “geographical solution” to a problem. I myself have chosen a geographical solution at times in my life.

But greatness lies in staying. In toughing it out. In learning from the experience.

Last week-end my husband and I attended a family retreat. Several couples there had been married over 40 and even more than 50 years! Each time the group heard one of these big numbers, they broke into applause. Applause for having the courage to stay and work it out.

Sometimes leaving is exactly the right decision for us. And other times, when we’re tempted to leave, what we’re really dealing with is restlessness or impatience. If you truly want to be a part of greatness, stay.

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Conversation on a recent talk show was about happiness, with research to back up the suggestions for what people could do to become happier. Here’s the easiest suggestion that was made:

Spend at least one minute a day in silence, taking deep breaths in to the slow count of 4 and breathing out to the slow count of 4.

So many problems are produced from stress and anxiety–from our brains not being at ease. One of the first facts I learned from studying neuroscience is that our brains work best in a state of “relaxed alertness.” This state is produced when our brains are getting enough oxygen and are given time for thoughts to “settle.”

For much of my life, if I had an idea, I thought I had to spring into action and get everything done all at once. These days, I take time in the morning for 10-20 minutes of silence, taking long, slow, deep breaths. I almost always have a good day.

So, during the day, if you feel stress rising, stop. Take 5 long, deep breaths. Slowly count to 4 on the inhale and slowly count to 4 on the exhale. Then ask yourself, “What is the next thing for me to do?”

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Recently someone told me about coaching she had received through her company. An executive coach in a week-long retreat coached employees to sing on stage. At the end of the week, each one had to perform, facing their worst fears of appearing inept and foolish in front of their peers. Thus, at the end of the week, their worst fear was behind them.

A woman who worried that she might not have enough money to live on once said, “My worst fear is that I might end up as a greeter at Wal Mart,” to which the group leader replied, “Then you should go ahead and get a job as greeter at Wal Mart and get it over with.”

Fear is a great barrier to living the lives we want and accomplishing what is most important to us. When the worst thing happens, we are set free from fear. It simply doesn’t hang over us any more.

Recently something I have been fearing for years happened to someone in my family. Unexpectedly, I am in a state of great calm. My dread is gone. In its place, Truth prevails, and I’m living comfortably in Truth and faith that things will work out. They always do.

Ancient wisdom says, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” Another ancient wisdom saying is, “All things work together for good.” That doesn’t mean that every single thing that happens is good, but in the aggregate, things work together for an outcome that is good.

So just for today, focus on what’s good in your life. If fear niggles at you, name it. Say, “That’s fear. I choose not to go there. I choose to stay in gratitude for the good in my life and in faith that all things work together for good.”

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

While vacationing in Salt Lake City I watched a Tom Brokaw special about the ordeal that inspired the movie 127 Hours. The story is about a hiker whose arm got wedged between boulders and who ultimately cut off his own arm to save his life. It’s a gripping story played out on physical and spiritual planes.

The part of the television special that caught my attention was this young man’s mother, when she learned that her son had been missing for several days. She said, “I prayed for his safety. I knew in my heart that my son would do everything in his power to be safe.” Only after having prayed and reassured herself did she go into action.

Listening to this mother’s words, I realized how much I have been worried about my own children, although neither of them is in physical danger. What I worry about is their happiness. So, inspired by this mother’s example, I made a decision in that moment in that hotel room to affirm that my children will do everything within their power to be happy. I’ve been repeating this affirmation to myself daily ever since, and worry has greatly dissipated.

My teachers tell me that our thoughts and feelings send vibrations outward that actually do make a difference in how things turn out. Of course, there are no guarantees, and it’s a better, more peaceful way to live.

Today, what are you worried about? And what is the affirmation that will dissolve the worry and replace it with something that is life-enhancing?

blog your response at www.HeadtoHeart.info

Journey from Head to Heart ebooks are now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Yesterday I had an experience with someone–not a client–who was inappropriately attempting to control a situation. Had she been a client, it would have been a teachable moment. Instead, I was the target of her effort to control, and it made me furious. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind and straighten her out. In other words, her control evoked my own.

But I didn’t engage. I stepped back and remembered the old days when I was very controlling, doing to someone else what was now being done to me. I remembered the migraine headaches, hurt feelings, unnecessarily difficult situations, and broken relationships that had accompanied my controlling behavior. I realized that this person who had offended me was going through something similar.

Somehow I realized that the emotional state I wanted to be in was compassion. The root of compassion, according to Wikipedia, is a Latin word that means “co-suffering.” In other words, to give compassion, one must have experienced the kind of suffering that is witnessed.

I began to remember the people who had been compassionate to me at a time in my life when I was struggling with control. These people were kind to me. They didn’t criticize or over-advise me. They appreciated my strengths and treated me gently. They were affirming.

Compassion is empathy and sympathy for the suffering of others. If there’s someone you’re struggling with right now, maybe compassion is the emotional state for you to choose.

Journey from Head to Heart ebooks are now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

When I was growing up, my mother used to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I was a sensitive child, and she was trying to help me toughen up. But I think of words in the Emily Dickinson way: “A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.”

Like it or not, words have an impact on me, as they do for most other people. Some of us become hardened to protect our hearts, over time, and I lived much of my life in this way–unwilling to feel. Awareness of my feelings has made life more enjoyable and meaningful, but what do I do when someone hurls a word at me like “disappoint”?

My first reaction, for about an hour, was to feel dejected and rejected. Then I went into a neutral zone in which I detached from the impact. My last and best action was to go to the Oxford English Dictionary, where I learned that “disappoint” means “to frustrate the expectation of.” So I didn’t meet this other person’s expectation–an expectation that had never been expressed, so it was unknown to me. This understanding set me free. I can’t meet an expectation I don’t know about.

If the word “disappoint” gets hurled your way, ask what the expectation was. Ask if that expectation were clearly expressed. Then say you didn’t understand that this was the expectation and make a request for the future that the expectation be clearly stated at the outset. Thus, defuse the emotional impact of the word “disappointment.”

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Recently I gave my clients an assignment to look back at 2010 and jot down the progress they made last year. Then I asked them to write intentions for 2011.

Intentions are different from goals in that they are filled with positive emotion. For example, “Write a book on culture and leadership in education by the end of January 2011.” is a goal. It’s a SMART goal–specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. But it doesn’t state the energy that will ease the heavy lifting of accomplishing the goal. That’s what an intention does.

So here was my intention: Simply and honestly tell the stories that reveal the culture and leadership in excellent school districts in a way that honors them and inspires others.

The difference the intention made for me is that I kept the process simple. I focused on the immediate task at hand and simply took one step at a time, one day at a time–sometimes one hour at a time. And I accomplished the goal ahead of schedule. My emotional energy was to honor and inspire. So stress didn’t touch me until the very end. (I’m not perfect!)

Similarly, one of my clients recently wrote her intentions for 2011, and I love how her goals begin with her relationship with herself and then who she is with others. Only one goal is work-related. Here are her intentions, shared with her permission:

1. Develop an unconditional love for myself.

2. Establish meaningful friendships with potential to be long-lasting and mutually beneficial.

3. Enhance the bond with my children by interacting with them in a calm manner and giving them an appropriate amount of my focused attention.

4. Foster a bond with my husband through frequent low-key physical contact, humor, and weekly intimacy.

5. Develop a relationship with my mother that leaves me feeling at peace.

6. Connect with my sisters on a deeper plane.

7. Lead with compassion and intent to foster an environment for meaningful collaboration and create opportunities for others to succeed by doing their best work.

Words are important. This client was painstaking about her word choices and kept refining until deeply within herself she felt the words were exactly right to express her true intention.

Into 2011 this client is bringing love, loving relationships, peace, connection, creation that lead to success. Interestingly, “succeed” is at the very end, not at the beginning, where so many people would place it.

Who are you bringing into 2011? What are your intentions?

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

The leaders I work with get clear on the inner core of high values to which they align their thoughts, words, and actions. Regardless of what happens and what others say and do, they are true to those values. They stand for them and not against anyone.

The King’s Speech is a multi-Oscar nominee for this year’s Academy Awards. So is The Fighter, which my husband and I saw just last night. As different as they are, these movies have a unified voice. It’s a voice of working hard to manifest what is rightfully yours, of putting aside surface differences to stand on a deeper principle, whether anyone joins you or not.

It’s a beautiful thing to hear the voice that’s aligned with a principle–that’s not trying to tear someone else down, but is simply holding up a standard. I think I heard that voice last week when President Obama urged the Egyptian leader to honor the right of Egyptians to gather peaceably and speak freely without force or violence. It wasn’t the President’s voice that spoke; rather, it was the voice of our First Amendment–the voice of principle.

I’m dedicating myself in 2011 to get clear on what my inner core values are and then to follow a discipline to hold my thoughts, words, and actions up against those values. Will you join me?

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

A book I’m reading, The Spirituality of Imperfection, contains this story (pp 9-10):

Time before time, when the world was young, two brothers shared a field and a mill. Each night they divided evenly the grain they had ground together during the day. Now as it happened, one of the brothers lived alone; the other had a wife and a large family. One day, the single brother thought to himself: “It isn’t really fair that we divide the grain evenly. I have only myself to care for, but my brother has children to feed.” So each night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother’s granary to see that he was never without.

But the married brother said to himself one day, “It isn’t really fair that we divide the grain evenly, because I have children to provide for me in my old age, but my brother has no one. What will he do when he is old?” So every night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother’s granary. As a result, both of them always found their supply of grain mysteriously replenished each morning.

Then one night the brothers met each other halfway between their two houses, suddenly realized what had been happening, and embraced each other in love. The story is that God witnessed their meeting and proclaimed, “This is a holy place–a place of love–and here it is that my temple shall be built.” And so it was. The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love.

Recently I’ve been wrapped up in a major project on a deadline. When I get as focused as I’ve been, I don’t even see other people, let alone actually do anything for them. The people closest to me get snapped at, which has happened twice in the last month. So I’m re-balancing, and stories like this one help me get back on track.

If any of you can identify with my experience, perhaps this story is useful. My guiding question for awhile is, “How may I serve?” Thus, I’m rebalancing.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

In The Emotional Brain author Joseph LeDoux coined the term “emotional hijacking” to describe the uncontrollable emotions that take charge of us when something evokes negativity like anger, jealousy, judgment, fear. The experience feels as if an icy finger has reached into our hearts and jerked us into a place we never wanted to go. Or a hot, searing energy floods our whole system. We want to be calm, but we’re hot and bothered. Maybe we explode.

Regardless of the form it might take, what might we do when an emotional hijacking takes charge of us, to minimize the damage?

The last time it happened to me, I fortunately had two appointments that day with trusted friends–people who are enlightened and didn’t encourage me to blame someone else for the negativity that was clearly raging within me. They reminded me that the problem isn’t the other person; the problem is the negativity that has been activated in me.

These two trusted friends gave me two pieces of valuable advice:

1. Light a candle in my heart. Let this visual image soften my face, voice, and words.
2. Be silent until I can speak the truth in love.

Most of us are tempted to find someone who will agree with us that we are right–that we’ve been wronged, etc. This is not helpful. This approach only entrenches the hijacking and leaves us in this unwanted state of mind longer than necessary. Also, it makes us prone to succumb more easily the next time because we’re feeling self-righteous about the whole thing.

True friends accept us for who we are–human–and give us advice that truly helps us through a tough time. It may not be what we want to hear, but it’s what we need to hear.

My recent emotional hijacking was triggered by a situation very much like one that I experienced as a child–an old wound and recurring pattern that stubbornly persists and morphs into forms I don’t recognize until after I’ve been hijacked yet one more time.

This time, I followed my friends’ advice, plus the journaling that I always find helpful. The hijacking lasted less than 24 hours. That’s progress.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

The person I’m listening to is attractive, intelligent, and successful by anybody’s standards. Yet I hear self-loathing, abusive self-talk, and minimizing.

Sometimes I interrupt to ask, “Do you hear how you’re talking to yourself? You wouldn’t say that to any other person—friend or enemy. So stop saying it to yourself.”

Taking a cue from Socrates in the 5th century, B. C., I encourage you in 2011 to “Let the inner me and the outer me be one.” Some might call this being comfortable in your own skin—being at peace with yourself. That requires self-acceptance. Self respect. Genuine affection for yourself.

These voices in our heads have been there a long time. They don’t go away overnight, but if you’d like relief, here’s a process that works:

Notice what you’re saying to yourself. Bring it to your conscious awareness.
Ask, “How could I be kinder?”
Give yourself a new message.
Keep doing this process.
May 2011 be a year of kindness to yourself. Give to yourself what you want to receive from others.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Getaway for Workaholics is how the retreat was titled, and I went with no expectation that I would learn much. After all, I was the leader and am supposed to know the answers.

Insight slowly dawned that our deep-down attitude towards work is the essential issue. I realized that my core belief, when I was a practicing workaholic, was that work is a struggle and I had been appointed by some invisible force to do most of it all by myself so that I wouldn’t bother anyone else while proving my value.

This core belief was the me who got to the office some mornings as early as 4 a.m. and kept me there until 7:00 p.m. or even later. Needless to say, I couldn’t sustain that pace. Migraines reigned.

So I changed the nature of the work I do so. I reduced the stress and increased the manageability of my work. I began to think of it as only one aspect of my life–a very important part.

Right after the retreat, I had the opportunity to be in an organization that is meeting impressive challenges–achieving phenomenal success and recognition. Yet, people who work there say, “I feel at home here.” In conversation, they seem calm. Respect reigns. Everything seems manageable, though the task is daunting.

People in this organization seem to have mastered the fine art of doing difficult work without the stress that often accompanies challenge. I saw that it is possible to balance the yin and the yang of very challenging work. Hard work does not have to evoke fatigue. With a smile, they say, “We work hard.” Calmly, they focus on what is at hand right now. Distractions are nonexistent. They have learned to do difficult work with ease.

It’s not the work that makes us suffer; it’s our own internal chemistry that we’re bringing to the work–chemistry produced through our own thoughts and freelings.

If you like the idea of doing hard work with ease, start with a desktop journal. At the beginning of each day,

• List your top three priorities for that day.
• Honestly state what feeling or state or mind or core belief you bring to that work. If it’s energy-depleting, draw a heavy black line through it.
• Write how you want to feel while you are doing that work.
• Write an intention for the day that includes the priorities to be accomplished AND your preferred state of mind or feeling for doing the work–the yin and the yang.

Now you’re ready to begin the day. Start believing you can have a good day every day. Choose who you’re bringing to the work.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Someone told me recently that she was overwhelmed by the 2000 emails in her inbox. Over time this slow accumulation had become an inundation that had trumped her folder system and fed a false sense of importance. And over time, it had sapped her energy and made her forgetful. She was overloaded.

Her story reminded me of an experience I had recently with my Blackberry. One day it just stopped receiving emails. I let the lapse go on for almost two weeks and then took it to the phone store. The representative said, “Have you tried taking the battery out?” Of course, I hadn’t. I just wanted the problem to magically go away. So he removed the battery, left it out for a few minutes, re-inserted it, and rebooted the phone. It worked perfectly.

Unplugging solves many technology issues, and the same is true for human beings.

I have a beautiful deck, surrounded by trees, birdsong, and gentle breezes. The happiest times of my life are spent on that deck, just sitting. Listening. Being still. At different times of the day, the light plays differently on the leaves. The branches, if I look closely, are teeming with life. Birds. Insects. Lizards. Each day it’s different and the same. In this place I am at peace.

Because of travels and seasonal change with daylight coming later in the day, I hadn’t sat on my deck for a couple of weeks, until this morning. Then I felt the power of being unplugged. Before this morning, I had begun to push myself. I was saying things to my husband like, “I’ve been hitting it pretty hard.”

Do you hear that language? Hit. Hard. Those words are symptoms that I’m overworking. I’ve gone too long without being unplugged. Without realizing it, I had lapsed into a state of being controlled by my schedule and deadlines. Focused on these externals, I had temporarily diminished my power from being calm and centered internally.

In these times when external sources of information are so plentiful that they can completely overwhelm us, it’s more important than ever to unplug. To just get still. And to do it every day. Even five minutes of silence and peace can bring order and calm.