Archive for the ‘Main’ Category

by Nancy O.

Does anyone remember the Magic Slate? Do they even make them any more? As a child, I loved writing or drawing on my Magic Slate and then lifting the sheet to erase everything and start over. There’s an exhilaration from that experience of erasing and starting over with a clean slate.

If you wish you had a Magic Slate for life experiences and emotions, you might consider these suggestions from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken” (p. 86).

I’ve tried this suggestion. It works. I find that when I take this inventory and apologize quickly, I don’t have to carry my baggage for so long or look for ways to justify my behavior.

Try it. Clean your slate. Begin anew.

Clean the Slate

by Nancy O.

Does anyone remember the Magic Slate? Do they even make them any more? As a child, I loved writing or drawing on my Magic Slate and then lifting the sheet to erase everything and start over. There’s an exhilaration from that experience of erasing and starting over with a clean slate.

If you wish you had a Magic Slate for life experiences and emotions, you might consider these suggestions from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken” (p. 86).

I’ve tried this suggestion. It works. I find that when I take this inventory and apologize quickly, I don’t have to carry my baggage for so long or look for ways to justify my behavior.

Try it. Clean your slate. Begin anew.

Clean the Slate

by Nancy O.

Does anyone remember the Magic Slate? Do they even make them any more? As a child, I loved writing or drawing on my Magic Slate and then lifting the sheet to erase everything and start over. There’s an exhilaration from that experience of erasing and starting over with a clean slate.

If you wish you had a Magic Slate for life experiences and emotions, you might consider these suggestions from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken” (p. 86).

I’ve tried this suggestion. It works. I find that when I take this inventory and apologize quickly, I don’t have to carry my baggage for so long or look for ways to justify my behavior.

Try it. Clean your slate. Begin anew.

by Nancy O.

One of the phrases I remember best from my childhood is, “God helps those who help themselves.” From this saying, I inferred that I wasn’t supposed to ask for help; I was supposed to do whatever needed doing by myself.

Over time, I’ve learned to ask for help. More importantly, I’ve observed that when I reach out to help someone else, the gift flows both ways. I receive as much or more than I give.

This truth recently came to light from a friend’s story. Over tea, a bereaved neighbor had asked my friend to share how she had coped with the death of her daughter almost 40 years ago. My friend said, “I was able to tell her some of the things I have taken comfort from down through the years. For example, we have twin great-granddaughters, and I told her about the traits that each one has inherited from my daughter, their grandmother whom they never knew.”

In telling the story again to me, my friend remembered people’s kindnesses just after her daughter’s tragic, untimely accident so long ago. One friend stopped by her home on his way home from work every day for months, tapped on the kitchen window, and asked, “Are you okay?” She said, “I would always say, ‘I’m okay.’ But I knew if I needed him, he was there.”

The prayer of St. Francis of Assissi says, “It is in giving that we receive.” In helping others, we help ourselves. That’s not why we do it; it’s an unexpected, delightful byproduct. Look around. Who needs the gift of your presence, listening, and sharing from the heart? Give hope to others by blogging your experiences in giving and receiving at www.HeadtoHeart.info/blog.

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Most of my time last year was spent researching, conducting interviews and writing a book about the culture and leadership in excellent school districts. One of the most important findings was that a major contributor to excellence is longevity in leadership. An early superintendent in Richardson ISD, J. J. Pearce, served for 31 years. He drove the roots of Richardson’s culture so deep that the schools can’t not be excellent. And he’s not the only one who stayed; other leaders at all levels, including the classroom and the school board served for a very long time.

It’s tempting, when times get tough, to leave and start over. Some of the people I know refer to this as a “geographical solution” to a problem. I myself have chosen a geographical solution at times in my life.

But greatness lies in staying. In toughing it out. In learning from the experience.

Last week-end my husband and I attended a family retreat. Several couples there had been married over 40 and even more than 50 years! Each time the group heard one of these big numbers, they broke into applause. Applause for having the courage to stay and work it out.

Sometimes leaving is exactly the right decision for us. And other times, when we’re tempted to leave, what we’re really dealing with is restlessness or impatience. If you truly want to be a part of greatness, stay.

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Conversation on a recent talk show was about happiness, with research to back up the suggestions for what people could do to become happier. Here’s the easiest suggestion that was made:

Spend at least one minute a day in silence, taking deep breaths in to the slow count of 4 and breathing out to the slow count of 4.

So many problems are produced from stress and anxiety–from our brains not being at ease. One of the first facts I learned from studying neuroscience is that our brains work best in a state of “relaxed alertness.” This state is produced when our brains are getting enough oxygen and are given time for thoughts to “settle.”

For much of my life, if I had an idea, I thought I had to spring into action and get everything done all at once. These days, I take time in the morning for 10-20 minutes of silence, taking long, slow, deep breaths. I almost always have a good day.

So, during the day, if you feel stress rising, stop. Take 5 long, deep breaths. Slowly count to 4 on the inhale and slowly count to 4 on the exhale. Then ask yourself, “What is the next thing for me to do?”

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy O.

Recently someone told me about coaching she had received through her company. An executive coach in a week-long retreat coached employees to sing on stage. At the end of the week, each one had to perform, facing their worst fears of appearing inept and foolish in front of their peers. Thus, at the end of the week, their worst fear was behind them.

A woman who worried that she might not have enough money to live on once said, “My worst fear is that I might end up as a greeter at Wal Mart,” to which the group leader replied, “Then you should go ahead and get a job as greeter at Wal Mart and get it over with.”

Fear is a great barrier to living the lives we want and accomplishing what is most important to us. When the worst thing happens, we are set free from fear. It simply doesn’t hang over us any more.

Recently something I have been fearing for years happened to someone in my family. Unexpectedly, I am in a state of great calm. My dread is gone. In its place, Truth prevails, and I’m living comfortably in Truth and faith that things will work out. They always do.

Ancient wisdom says, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” Another ancient wisdom saying is, “All things work together for good.” That doesn’t mean that every single thing that happens is good, but in the aggregate, things work together for an outcome that is good.

So just for today, focus on what’s good in your life. If fear niggles at you, name it. Say, “That’s fear. I choose not to go there. I choose to stay in gratitude for the good in my life and in faith that all things work together for good.”

Journey from Head to Heart is available as an ebook through Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

While vacationing in Salt Lake City I watched a Tom Brokaw special about the ordeal that inspired the movie 127 Hours. The story is about a hiker whose arm got wedged between boulders and who ultimately cut off his own arm to save his life. It’s a gripping story played out on physical and spiritual planes.

The part of the television special that caught my attention was this young man’s mother, when she learned that her son had been missing for several days. She said, “I prayed for his safety. I knew in my heart that my son would do everything in his power to be safe.” Only after having prayed and reassured herself did she go into action.

Listening to this mother’s words, I realized how much I have been worried about my own children, although neither of them is in physical danger. What I worry about is their happiness. So, inspired by this mother’s example, I made a decision in that moment in that hotel room to affirm that my children will do everything within their power to be happy. I’ve been repeating this affirmation to myself daily ever since, and worry has greatly dissipated.

My teachers tell me that our thoughts and feelings send vibrations outward that actually do make a difference in how things turn out. Of course, there are no guarantees, and it’s a better, more peaceful way to live.

Today, what are you worried about? And what is the affirmation that will dissolve the worry and replace it with something that is life-enhancing?

blog your response at www.HeadtoHeart.info

Journey from Head to Heart ebooks are now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Yesterday I had an experience with someone–not a client–who was inappropriately attempting to control a situation. Had she been a client, it would have been a teachable moment. Instead, I was the target of her effort to control, and it made me furious. I wanted to give her a piece of my mind and straighten her out. In other words, her control evoked my own.

But I didn’t engage. I stepped back and remembered the old days when I was very controlling, doing to someone else what was now being done to me. I remembered the migraine headaches, hurt feelings, unnecessarily difficult situations, and broken relationships that had accompanied my controlling behavior. I realized that this person who had offended me was going through something similar.

Somehow I realized that the emotional state I wanted to be in was compassion. The root of compassion, according to Wikipedia, is a Latin word that means “co-suffering.” In other words, to give compassion, one must have experienced the kind of suffering that is witnessed.

I began to remember the people who had been compassionate to me at a time in my life when I was struggling with control. These people were kind to me. They didn’t criticize or over-advise me. They appreciated my strengths and treated me gently. They were affirming.

Compassion is empathy and sympathy for the suffering of others. If there’s someone you’re struggling with right now, maybe compassion is the emotional state for you to choose.

Journey from Head to Heart ebooks are now available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

When I was growing up, my mother used to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” I was a sensitive child, and she was trying to help me toughen up. But I think of words in the Emily Dickinson way: “A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.”

Like it or not, words have an impact on me, as they do for most other people. Some of us become hardened to protect our hearts, over time, and I lived much of my life in this way–unwilling to feel. Awareness of my feelings has made life more enjoyable and meaningful, but what do I do when someone hurls a word at me like “disappoint”?

My first reaction, for about an hour, was to feel dejected and rejected. Then I went into a neutral zone in which I detached from the impact. My last and best action was to go to the Oxford English Dictionary, where I learned that “disappoint” means “to frustrate the expectation of.” So I didn’t meet this other person’s expectation–an expectation that had never been expressed, so it was unknown to me. This understanding set me free. I can’t meet an expectation I don’t know about.

If the word “disappoint” gets hurled your way, ask what the expectation was. Ask if that expectation were clearly expressed. Then say you didn’t understand that this was the expectation and make a request for the future that the expectation be clearly stated at the outset. Thus, defuse the emotional impact of the word “disappointment.”

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Recently I gave my clients an assignment to look back at 2010 and jot down the progress they made last year. Then I asked them to write intentions for 2011.

Intentions are different from goals in that they are filled with positive emotion. For example, “Write a book on culture and leadership in education by the end of January 2011.” is a goal. It’s a SMART goal–specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. But it doesn’t state the energy that will ease the heavy lifting of accomplishing the goal. That’s what an intention does.

So here was my intention: Simply and honestly tell the stories that reveal the culture and leadership in excellent school districts in a way that honors them and inspires others.

The difference the intention made for me is that I kept the process simple. I focused on the immediate task at hand and simply took one step at a time, one day at a time–sometimes one hour at a time. And I accomplished the goal ahead of schedule. My emotional energy was to honor and inspire. So stress didn’t touch me until the very end. (I’m not perfect!)

Similarly, one of my clients recently wrote her intentions for 2011, and I love how her goals begin with her relationship with herself and then who she is with others. Only one goal is work-related. Here are her intentions, shared with her permission:

1. Develop an unconditional love for myself.

2. Establish meaningful friendships with potential to be long-lasting and mutually beneficial.

3. Enhance the bond with my children by interacting with them in a calm manner and giving them an appropriate amount of my focused attention.

4. Foster a bond with my husband through frequent low-key physical contact, humor, and weekly intimacy.

5. Develop a relationship with my mother that leaves me feeling at peace.

6. Connect with my sisters on a deeper plane.

7. Lead with compassion and intent to foster an environment for meaningful collaboration and create opportunities for others to succeed by doing their best work.

Words are important. This client was painstaking about her word choices and kept refining until deeply within herself she felt the words were exactly right to express her true intention.

Into 2011 this client is bringing love, loving relationships, peace, connection, creation that lead to success. Interestingly, “succeed” is at the very end, not at the beginning, where so many people would place it.

Who are you bringing into 2011? What are your intentions?

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

The leaders I work with get clear on the inner core of high values to which they align their thoughts, words, and actions. Regardless of what happens and what others say and do, they are true to those values. They stand for them and not against anyone.

The King’s Speech is a multi-Oscar nominee for this year’s Academy Awards. So is The Fighter, which my husband and I saw just last night. As different as they are, these movies have a unified voice. It’s a voice of working hard to manifest what is rightfully yours, of putting aside surface differences to stand on a deeper principle, whether anyone joins you or not.

It’s a beautiful thing to hear the voice that’s aligned with a principle–that’s not trying to tear someone else down, but is simply holding up a standard. I think I heard that voice last week when President Obama urged the Egyptian leader to honor the right of Egyptians to gather peaceably and speak freely without force or violence. It wasn’t the President’s voice that spoke; rather, it was the voice of our First Amendment–the voice of principle.

I’m dedicating myself in 2011 to get clear on what my inner core values are and then to follow a discipline to hold my thoughts, words, and actions up against those values. Will you join me?

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

A book I’m reading, The Spirituality of Imperfection, contains this story (pp 9-10):

Time before time, when the world was young, two brothers shared a field and a mill. Each night they divided evenly the grain they had ground together during the day. Now as it happened, one of the brothers lived alone; the other had a wife and a large family. One day, the single brother thought to himself: “It isn’t really fair that we divide the grain evenly. I have only myself to care for, but my brother has children to feed.” So each night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother’s granary to see that he was never without.

But the married brother said to himself one day, “It isn’t really fair that we divide the grain evenly, because I have children to provide for me in my old age, but my brother has no one. What will he do when he is old?” So every night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother’s granary. As a result, both of them always found their supply of grain mysteriously replenished each morning.

Then one night the brothers met each other halfway between their two houses, suddenly realized what had been happening, and embraced each other in love. The story is that God witnessed their meeting and proclaimed, “This is a holy place–a place of love–and here it is that my temple shall be built.” And so it was. The holy place, where God is made known, is the place where human beings discover each other in love.

Recently I’ve been wrapped up in a major project on a deadline. When I get as focused as I’ve been, I don’t even see other people, let alone actually do anything for them. The people closest to me get snapped at, which has happened twice in the last month. So I’m re-balancing, and stories like this one help me get back on track.

If any of you can identify with my experience, perhaps this story is useful. My guiding question for awhile is, “How may I serve?” Thus, I’m rebalancing.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

In The Emotional Brain author Joseph LeDoux coined the term “emotional hijacking” to describe the uncontrollable emotions that take charge of us when something evokes negativity like anger, jealousy, judgment, fear. The experience feels as if an icy finger has reached into our hearts and jerked us into a place we never wanted to go. Or a hot, searing energy floods our whole system. We want to be calm, but we’re hot and bothered. Maybe we explode.

Regardless of the form it might take, what might we do when an emotional hijacking takes charge of us, to minimize the damage?

The last time it happened to me, I fortunately had two appointments that day with trusted friends–people who are enlightened and didn’t encourage me to blame someone else for the negativity that was clearly raging within me. They reminded me that the problem isn’t the other person; the problem is the negativity that has been activated in me.

These two trusted friends gave me two pieces of valuable advice:

1. Light a candle in my heart. Let this visual image soften my face, voice, and words.
2. Be silent until I can speak the truth in love.

Most of us are tempted to find someone who will agree with us that we are right–that we’ve been wronged, etc. This is not helpful. This approach only entrenches the hijacking and leaves us in this unwanted state of mind longer than necessary. Also, it makes us prone to succumb more easily the next time because we’re feeling self-righteous about the whole thing.

True friends accept us for who we are–human–and give us advice that truly helps us through a tough time. It may not be what we want to hear, but it’s what we need to hear.

My recent emotional hijacking was triggered by a situation very much like one that I experienced as a child–an old wound and recurring pattern that stubbornly persists and morphs into forms I don’t recognize until after I’ve been hijacked yet one more time.

This time, I followed my friends’ advice, plus the journaling that I always find helpful. The hijacking lasted less than 24 hours. That’s progress.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

The person I’m listening to is attractive, intelligent, and successful by anybody’s standards. Yet I hear self-loathing, abusive self-talk, and minimizing.

Sometimes I interrupt to ask, “Do you hear how you’re talking to yourself? You wouldn’t say that to any other person—friend or enemy. So stop saying it to yourself.”

Taking a cue from Socrates in the 5th century, B. C., I encourage you in 2011 to “Let the inner me and the outer me be one.” Some might call this being comfortable in your own skin—being at peace with yourself. That requires self-acceptance. Self respect. Genuine affection for yourself.

These voices in our heads have been there a long time. They don’t go away overnight, but if you’d like relief, here’s a process that works:

Notice what you’re saying to yourself. Bring it to your conscious awareness.
Ask, “How could I be kinder?”
Give yourself a new message.
Keep doing this process.
May 2011 be a year of kindness to yourself. Give to yourself what you want to receive from others.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Getaway for Workaholics is how the retreat was titled, and I went with no expectation that I would learn much. After all, I was the leader and am supposed to know the answers.

Insight slowly dawned that our deep-down attitude towards work is the essential issue. I realized that my core belief, when I was a practicing workaholic, was that work is a struggle and I had been appointed by some invisible force to do most of it all by myself so that I wouldn’t bother anyone else while proving my value.

This core belief was the me who got to the office some mornings as early as 4 a.m. and kept me there until 7:00 p.m. or even later. Needless to say, I couldn’t sustain that pace. Migraines reigned.

So I changed the nature of the work I do so. I reduced the stress and increased the manageability of my work. I began to think of it as only one aspect of my life–a very important part.

Right after the retreat, I had the opportunity to be in an organization that is meeting impressive challenges–achieving phenomenal success and recognition. Yet, people who work there say, “I feel at home here.” In conversation, they seem calm. Respect reigns. Everything seems manageable, though the task is daunting.

People in this organization seem to have mastered the fine art of doing difficult work without the stress that often accompanies challenge. I saw that it is possible to balance the yin and the yang of very challenging work. Hard work does not have to evoke fatigue. With a smile, they say, “We work hard.” Calmly, they focus on what is at hand right now. Distractions are nonexistent. They have learned to do difficult work with ease.

It’s not the work that makes us suffer; it’s our own internal chemistry that we’re bringing to the work–chemistry produced through our own thoughts and freelings.

If you like the idea of doing hard work with ease, start with a desktop journal. At the beginning of each day,

• List your top three priorities for that day.
• Honestly state what feeling or state or mind or core belief you bring to that work. If it’s energy-depleting, draw a heavy black line through it.
• Write how you want to feel while you are doing that work.
• Write an intention for the day that includes the priorities to be accomplished AND your preferred state of mind or feeling for doing the work–the yin and the yang.

Now you’re ready to begin the day. Start believing you can have a good day every day. Choose who you’re bringing to the work.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Someone told me recently that she was overwhelmed by the 2000 emails in her inbox. Over time this slow accumulation had become an inundation that had trumped her folder system and fed a false sense of importance. And over time, it had sapped her energy and made her forgetful. She was overloaded.

Her story reminded me of an experience I had recently with my Blackberry. One day it just stopped receiving emails. I let the lapse go on for almost two weeks and then took it to the phone store. The representative said, “Have you tried taking the battery out?” Of course, I hadn’t. I just wanted the problem to magically go away. So he removed the battery, left it out for a few minutes, re-inserted it, and rebooted the phone. It worked perfectly.

Unplugging solves many technology issues, and the same is true for human beings.

I have a beautiful deck, surrounded by trees, birdsong, and gentle breezes. The happiest times of my life are spent on that deck, just sitting. Listening. Being still. At different times of the day, the light plays differently on the leaves. The branches, if I look closely, are teeming with life. Birds. Insects. Lizards. Each day it’s different and the same. In this place I am at peace.

Because of travels and seasonal change with daylight coming later in the day, I hadn’t sat on my deck for a couple of weeks, until this morning. Then I felt the power of being unplugged. Before this morning, I had begun to push myself. I was saying things to my husband like, “I’ve been hitting it pretty hard.”

Do you hear that language? Hit. Hard. Those words are symptoms that I’m overworking. I’ve gone too long without being unplugged. Without realizing it, I had lapsed into a state of being controlled by my schedule and deadlines. Focused on these externals, I had temporarily diminished my power from being calm and centered internally.

In these times when external sources of information are so plentiful that they can completely overwhelm us, it’s more important than ever to unplug. To just get still. And to do it every day. Even five minutes of silence and peace can bring order and calm.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles (New York: Harper Collins, 1992), pp. 190-191.

When I was a child, there was a well-known poem that went like this: “What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice.” So I and many others in my generation grew up with the belief that it was the female’s job to “be nice.” In my mind, that meant not hurting anyone’s feelings, even when it meant squelching my own. It often meant keeping my opinions to myself.

It isn’t just my generation. Even today, among women of all ages, there’s pressure for women to “be nice.” Don’t say what you truly think and feel. Back down if someone disagrees. Don’t do or say anything that someone might take personally. In other words, be less than who you truly are.

Then, of course, there are those who go to the other extreme, with no filter at all on their words or actions–flaunting their defiance of social norms, angrily asserting themselves, trying to be more than who they think they are.

Recently I’ve seen evidence of a new way of being among women and between men and women. It’s being free to say what we truly need to say. It’s permission to be strong without being offensive. It’s being able to disagree without taking it personally. It’s tolerating someone’s disagreement without labeling them with some offensive name and damaging the relationship.

Truly, I’m grateful to see this shift: Women standing in their own power, confident and strong, affirming their own worth and acknowledging that of others.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

July 4 is when U.S. citizens celebrate freedom, and each year I spend some time reflecting on what greater freedom I have today than I had last July 4.

Freedom for Authenticity is what’s coming up for me this year. By this I mean

• A mind that’s calm enough to listen to my inner voice and rely on it for my decisions. In my “non-freedom” state, I am easily emotionally hijacked. If someone else says, “Do this,” I comply out of fear. If someone is disappointed in my actions, I go into chaos.
• A discipline that gives me confidence that I have, in fact, done the best I could in the circumstances I’m dealing with. In my “non-freedom” state, I second-guess my own decisions. I make them again and again. I beat myself up if something doesn’t appear to go well.
• Being free to spend time every day in silence, contemplation, meditation, or just sitting. In my “non-freedom” state, I wake up with my “to-do” list in my mind, get right on it, and suffer as the list grows longer through the day.
• Being free from shame. Accepting people as they are, not as I wish they were. This also means accepting myself for who I am, faults and all.
  

So on this Fourth of July, here is my intention for the day: I enjoy being alive and fully accept myself for who I truly am. I embrace my mistakes as teachers from which I learn. I enjoy this journey of life–all of it. I love being who I am.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Observations from playing the game of brickbreaker on my Blackberry.

1. Sometimes things come at me so fast that I don’t realize what I had until I’ve let it go and taken something of less value.

2. Greed makes the game unmanageable, and I make greed-driven mistakes.

3. Sometimes it seems that I’m not improving. But I know it’s just a plateau–a resting place for my brain to recalibrate. I have faith that I’ll start moving again when it’s time.

4. After all, it’s only a game–so relax and enjoy. No mistake is important enough for me to give up my peace of mind.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

As a pastime, I play a game called brickbreaker on my Blackberry. I play it when I’m sitting in someone’s waiting room or just when I have a few spare minutes. It’s relaxing to me–a time for reflection as I notice my reactions to the dynamics of the game.

This morning a client was late to a meeting because of rain-snarled traffic. So I was playing brickbreaker, and these life lessons came to me, inspired by this little game.

1. Pay attention to your goal. Distraction destroys. (The object of the game is to keep the little ball in play, and when I take my eyes off the ball to look at the score or what’s happening in another part of the screen, I often miss.)

2. Value what you have while going for what you want. (“Pills” cascade down the screen, with different labels. I’m not fond of the one labeled “catch,” but it gets me extra points, so I take it. My favorites, though, are “life” and “laser.” So I take “catch” and use it to its best advantage while watching for “life” and “laser” to appear. I don’t resent “catch.”)

3. Avoid the temptations that throw you completely off track. (The pill labeled “flip” always makes me miss the ball.)

4. Be precise. “Almost” doesn’t win. (Enough said.)

5. Long life isn’t as valuable as patience and discipline.

Today, may you keep your eye on the ball and know that all is well.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

You may have seen the story in news reports. Armando Galarraga was pitching a perfect game. Then the first base umpire made a mistake. He called a runner safe when every camera filming the runner’s arrival at first base showed the first baseman had him out. But the umpire called it the way he saw it, and his decision stood–the runner was safe. The pitcher’s perfect game evaporated because of the umpire’s human error.

His reaction? He smiled, walked back to the pitcher’s mound, and resumed the game. Then he forgave the umpire for making a mistake.

Once again, we see the power of nonresistance. Not expecting perfection. Not flying apart when someone makes a mistake that affects us. My mind flittered back to Gandhi. The Amish in the schoolhouse killings. And now, most recently, in America’s favorite pastime–baseball.

Once again, I am reminded that love is stronger than hate. Forgiveness is preferable to holding grudges. Nonresistance is less painful than holding on to slights and injustices. People aren’t perfect. That includes me and you. I don’t know about you, but when I’m the person in the umpire’s position, I want to be forgiven. May God grant me the willingness to be forgiving when I’m in the pitcher’s place.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

It’s good to know what you’re willing to experience. Recently a client said, “I have fear all the time. I worry all the time.” My response was, “I believe you. Would you like for things to be different?” Of course, she said yes. No one wants to live in fear and worry all the time. If that is happening, it’s a learned behavior. Intervention is needed, and I gave it.

“All you have to do is be willing to make a change” was what I said. And I left it at that.

To our next coaching session, this person brought a book, dog-eared and heavily underlined. From the book she read to me what she needed to do differently. I took notes, integrating her new learning into the plan we had already begun to make.

Her energy had shifted. In our earlier sessions, she was playing the role of victim, with one story after another about how other people had wronged her. But in this session, she had taken responsibility for making things better. She had become a Wayfinder.

Wayfinding is navigating through complex environments to reach a dreamed-of destination. It’s setting out for unknown territory, using tools that have the power to get you where you want to be. http://pvs.kcc.hawaii.edu/rapanui/nainoa.html

If you have a dreamed-of destination that you don’t think you’re making progress towards, simply become willing to change whatever you need to change to move you closer towards your dream, and say goodbye to stagnation.

 If you’ve had a similar experience, please share it on this blog.

The book Journey from Head to Heart:  Living and Working Authentically uses the metaphor of Wayfinding to describe the voyage to joyful living.

Wayfinding is an ancient art of navigating without a map, sextant, or compass; rather, using human intuitive powers.

For life, we don’t get a map. So when we’re not at the destination we want, what do we do? Millions of people try to make themselves happy through eating, drinking, using drugs including prescribed painkillers, escaping to the movies or a book, running or exercising to release endorphins that make things better. So we repeat our behaviors, again and again, hoping for different results. When we don’t get them, we start eating, drinking . . . . And so the cycle continues.

But we can make a different choice. Just a few moments ago I spoke with someone who woke up on this beautiful Monday morning not feeling good about herself. She had a vague, uneasy feeling that she couldn’t identify. After meaningful conversation with a trusted guide, she was able to identify the source of her discomfort, put it in right perspective, and change her course to move closer to living the life she truly wants to lead.

This is how I define Wayfinding. Not venting to a friend. Not repeating the same patterns over and over. But taking time to reflect, hear the love and support of trusted guides, and make different, disciplined decisions that move one closer to living a joy-filled life.

Wayfinding support groups are forming right now. For information about how to join one, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Like most women, I love beautiful shoes—pointy toes, high heels, a splash of glitz or something special. I love all the different textures and colors and styles. Although I don’t own that many shoes—I’m not a shoe-aholic—I do choose carefully what I buy, and I spare no expense. For years, what I’ve been buying is a rare combination—style AND comfort.

So it was with confidence that I packed my newest stylish-and-comfortable Stuart Weitzman’s for a trip to the Valley to visit a school district as part of my volunteer work with the H-E-B Excellence in Education Awards program. The work requires lots of walking in large school districts—huge high schools with lots of stairs, climbing in and out of buses and vans—two full hours of walking and standing, with no break. A grueling challenge for any pair of shoes.

The Stuart Weitzman’s didn’t pass the test. By the end of the day, I couldn’t wait to get out of those shoes. For the first time, I noticed that the pain in my feet contributed greatly to my fatigue.

This year the trips for this project are packed close together—next week I’ll make three school visits. I knew I had to make a change. So for the trip following the Stuart Weitzman’s fiasco, I made a different decision. I chose my Saturday Shoes—fat, rounded toe with a flat, open heel—purchased from my local Comfortable Shoe Store and worn with socks. (By the way, these shoes cost more than the Stuart Weitzman’s.)

Ah, the difference! Wearing the flat, fat shoes limits my wardrobe to black slacks. I don’t care. Wearing these shoes risks the judgment of other people that I’ve arrived at a “certain age.” I don’t care.

Most importantly, wearing these shoes means that, at the end of the day, I’m not exhausted. It’s a gift I’m giving myself. So what has this to do with courage?

The word “courage” comes from the French word for heart—coeur. This is a decision from my heart, out of love for myself. And there’s an added value. Since I’m at greater ease, I have more energy to enjoy my colleagues. I look with greater favor on what I saw in the school district, which works to their advantage. At the end of the day, I greet my husband with a smile instead of a groan. Everybody wins.

And that’s how it works when we make a decision from our hearts to do what feels good to us. Someone once said, “We do what’s best for others when we do what’s best for ourselves.” So I ask you to reflect: What one small thing might you do for yourself as an act of love? I support you to have the courage to do it today.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

What gives you energy to do your work and live your life well? What depletes your energy? I’ve been asking these questions of people over the last nine years.

To answer this question, it’s useful to know that the human system derives energy from four sources: 

• Physical (general health, diet, exercise)
• Mental (challenge, learning, intellectual activities like crossword puzzles and Sudoku)
• Spiritual (not religious, but spiritual practice that puts us in contact with something greater than ourselves)
• Emotional

Overwhelmingly, depleters are emotional, and usually they are our negative reaction to someone else’s behavior or situations beyond our control. What people don’t realize is that their negative reaction is within them, not outside of them, and that’s good news—because we have complete control over our own thoughts and feelings. If we truly want to, we can change them. Most people simply don’t know how.

Here’s how.

1. Write out what’s bugging you, and include all the details. Leave nothing out, and use strong language.
2. Read back over what you’ve written and identify the emotion that is coming through. Here are some examples:  jealousy, fear, anger, feeling overwhelmed, being judgmental or rigid. These negative emotions are coming from your ego. The truth is, whatever is happening probably has nothing to do with you; you’re simply choosing to take it personally.
3. Make a decision about how you want to feel. Maybe forgiving. Maybe accepting. Maybe safe from ill effects. You choose. Stay in this state of mind until you’re ready to move to a higher state.
4. Tear up and destroy what you wrote in #2 above.
5. When you’re ready, move to a higher emotional state—like kindness, unconditional love, compassion, peace.

If you practice this process on a regular basis, you’ll find that you gradually spend more and more time in peace. By practicing on a regular basis, I mean every day.

Thus you will turn energy depleters into energizers.

On Saturday, February 27, from 1:00-3:00 at Book People in Austin, Nancy will be working with a group of teachers to rejuvenate. All teachers are welcome to join us. If you would like Nancy to work with your group, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com

Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Because of a phenomenon in our brains called mirror neurons, we are susceptible to be influenced by other people’s feelings. That is, we react. Someone behind us in traffic honks loudly and raises his hands in a frustrated gesture, and we feel angry right back at him. Mirror Neurons. A colleague gets reprimanded, and we “feel bad for her.” Mirror Neurons. In a new job, we get caught up in a political situation that we didn’t see coming, and we start manipulating, just like those playing the political game. Mirror Neurons.

Most people would like to be responsive and true to themselves, rather than reactive, but given our brains’ proclivity to be influenced, what do we do to avoid being caught up in other people’s dramas?

The answer to the question is powerlessness. The truth is, the unique feature of our brains known as mirror neurons renders us powerless over the influence of other people’s emotions and actions. We are pulled towards them, often without our awareness.

So the first step is to become aware that what we’re experiencing is really not coming from inside us, but from outside us. The second step is to admit our powerlessness over our reactive feelings.

This admission of powerlessness puts us into a neutral zone, which allows us to relax and evaluate what we truly want to do and how we want to be in the presence of this situation. Then and only then are we able to choose a response that is right and authentic for us. So it’s a 3-step process:

1.      Be aware when we are being pulled into someone else’s drama.

2.      Say, “I’m powerless over my feelings about this situation.”

3.      After spending some time in powerlessness (seconds, minutes, hours, days, or weeks, depending on the intensity of the situation), consciously choose how you will be. Write out your intention. Keep it in front of you and continuously align your thoughts, feelings, and actions with it.

Example of a powerful intention: As I stand before these confused and bewildered people, I am calm, centered, and focused. I know who I am, and I align with the highest and best within me. I am respectful, inclusive, humble, and grateful for this opportunity to learn.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Because we had a week-end guest, I bought the ingredients for a breakfast recipe that I haven’t used in years. The recipe is for Dutch Babies, or German pancakes. It calls for lemon zest to be sprinkled over the berries that top the dish.

Well, our week-end guest left at 6:30 a.m., and insisted the night before that we not get up, so we didn’t. Yet all of those ingredients were calling my name. So my husband and I decided to sleep in, skip church, and enjoy a quiet, delectable brunch together.

As I prepared the lemon zest, I experienced ZEST. It’s a word that had come to me last week in meditation—zest for life. Now I was experiencing that word’s second appearance in less than a week.

As I drew forth the shavings from the peel of the lemon, aroma burst forth, excitedly. The tiny pieces of lemon peel had a hard time landing in the bowl; they flew and danced across my counter top, making me giggle as I gathered them.

This recipe would be good without the lemon zest. But with it, the recipe is fantastic. I noticed the aliveness of the lemon flavor as I ate—how it awoke all of my senses!

And so it is with life. We can live it, checking off our lists of “ingredients” that are all quite good. But something is missing without the zest. Some of our senses are asleep

Zest—something that imparts a relish—a piquant [keen]quality that adds to the enjoyment of something.

Without zest, life may be good enough. With it, we are alive, responsive, alert, fully present to tiny gifts that make us giggle.

Zest for life

            Surrounds me with beauty

            Enfolds me with love

            Caresses me with prosperity

            Holds me in faith

            Sparkles me in joy

If your recipe for life is feeling a little dull, add zest. If you’re not sure how to do that, then just set an intention:  “This week, I add zest to my life.” Be alert to see it appear.

by Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D.

Recently a client who is changing her life by making healthier choices asked, “Now that I don’t drink, what do I do in my free time?”

This question might be asked in hundreds of ways: “Now that I don’t smoke . . . eat excessively . . . read trashy novels . . . gossip on the telephone . . . meddle in my children’s lives . . .” And the list goes on and on.

It’s a good question: What do I do in the pause between activities, responsibilities, schedules, and tasks? Those times when I panic because I don’t have a script for this, so I start feeling anxious?

Get a sheet of paper. Skipping a line between each entry, write everything you can think of that you love doing. Maybe it’s going for a walk. Maybe it’s just sitting outside. Maybe it’s going to the pool, getting a massage, visiting your favorite art gallery, or simply reading a magazine. List everything you can think of, large and small.

After you’ve filled the page and maybe more, get a pair of scissors and cut so that each entry is on its own strip of paper. Find an empty box—preferably a beautiful box that you love. Fold each strip and place in the box.

The next time you have a few minutes and don’t know what to do with yourself, open the box and draw a strip. If you happen to draw one that won’t work for that moment—like taking a walk, when you don’t have time to clean up from being sweaty—simply put it back and draw another one.

Yesterday afternoon, I had one of those pause moments when I came to the end of THE LIST and had a couple of hours, unfilled. I had just bought a new memoir by someone I admire, and I was eager to start reading it. It was a cool, overcast day with a slight breeze, beckoning me out, so I followed. Sitting in my back yard, surrounded by beauty, I read a few pages and then put my head back, eyes closed, and let the words soak in. Then I read some more. I stayed as long as I wanted, without looking at a clock. (I had left my watch indoors.)

My old script was that I had to be busy all the time, following a schedule. My new script is that my life is happier when I focus on enjoying it. Make a plan for adding enjoyment to your life. Write a new script, cut it into strips, and put it in a box. Then, when you come to the place of possibility, you have a plan.

By Nancy Oelklaus, Ed. D. 

Beyond the stoplight, I saw something white floating, fluttering, slightly dropping, then suddenly rising. It was the middle of the day—not the time for an erratic bat or swallow to be out. I squinted my eyes to make out the shape more clearly. Then, into the right corner of my vision flew a bird, easily navigating the breeze that was flipping and bouncing what I now realized was a piece of paper.

What this small observation has to do with boundaries is that people without boundaries are like the piece of paper. Someone gets angry, and they jump. Something scary happens, and they “lose it.” Since there’s no clear definition within them—no wings to navigate the breeze—they rise and fall on the winds of someone else’s disposition or actions.

Or they take their cue from events, reacting rather than thoughtfully responding.

For people with fuzzy or no boundaries, a controversial issue can turn them into red-faced bullies or white-faced, terrified individuals.

What boundaries are really all about is determining who we ourselves want to be, no matter what is happening around us.

Learning to set and keep boundaries is an essential component of maturity. It’s about who we truly are and what we truly want to experience in our lives. Unlike paper and birds, we get to make that choice.

The women’s retreat on Saturday, September 12, will produce clarity on the dance of boundaries in relationships. Give yourself the gift of the peace of mind that comes with clear boundaries. Register today at http://www.HigherPowerFoundation.com