Is there anything you’re doing–or not doing–just because you think someone else expects that behavior, but it doesn’t feel right for you?

Often we are averse to being true to ourselves because we don’t want to risk the wrath of another person. We allow something or someone outside of ourselves to control our behavior. We aren’t true to our own inner knowing.

My experience is that when I get clear on what is truly right for me and then stand for myself and not against anyone else, things work out well–for me and for others. That’s the power of authenticity.

As a child, I loved the Brer Rabbit stories. Still do. Remember the one about the Tar Baby? Well, Brer Fox wanted to trap Brer Rabbit and eat him, so he devised a clever scheme. Out of tar, he fashioned what looked like a small person–a Tar Baby. Then he sat Tar Baby alongside a road he knew Brer Rabbit would travel. He also knew that gregarious Brer Rabbit would not be able to resist a conversation with this new, strange creature.

The Tar Baby was a trap.

Sure enough, Brer Rabbit happened along, tried to get the Tar Baby to do what it could not do, grew increasingly frustrated, and punched the Tar Baby to force results. With the first punch, Brer Rabbit was trapped.

This week in my life two tar babies were placed along my path in the form of people not doing what I wanted them to do. It was hard. Their behavior, in my eyes, blocked my progress towards a goal. I felt disheartened and exhausted.

Thankfully, I’ve learned enough to know that when I feel disheartened and exhausted, it’s about me and not anyone else. So I no longer lash out by firing someone or giving them “a piece of my mind” or talking about them to garner support for my side. Nor do I go home and have a glass of wine or a carton of ice cream or growl at my husband.

Instead, I ask for more humility and the grace to find the lesson. I encountered those two tar babies on Thursday and Friday. I’m writing this on Saturday. Thanks to daily spiritual practice, talking these situations over with a trusted advisor, and exercising my acceptance muscles, today I am at peace and can already see the gift.

It used to take me years to find the gift. Then months. Then weeks. Now, hours. Occasionally, immediately. That’s the gift of the process I use.

So those two tar babies are still sitting alongside the path. But my fingerprints are not on them. I’m on my way to a fun week-end with my husband. Life is good and all is well.

I’ve been thinking about humility lately. Not that I’m an expert.

“Student” would be a better descriptor. I’m a student of humility because in those rare moments when I’m in it, my life goes better.

Good things happen effortlessly. So I want to get better at humility. Maybe you do, too.

My favorite description of humility is that it is being the right size–neither more than nor less than who I truly am.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes it as “relief from the bondage of self.”

I’m seeking more humility in two particular situations in which other people’s behavior is affecting my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
From experience I know that when I’m being emotionally hijacked by another person, I’m not in humility.

So for today I’m seeking relief from the bondage of self. Humility. True freedom. How about you?

www.HeadtoHeart.com

For this post I wanted so much to write something brilliant and inspiring, but all I can think of is how profoundly I was touched by a gathering this week-end of my cousins, all children of the family of four sisters of whom my mother was one.

As we shared photographs, documents, and stories, the family perfections and imperfections emerged. The tragedy. The comedy. The beauty of the family love that is still so strong that we want to be together as what’s left of that family that so often gathered at the farm on the Oklahoma prairie.

They were farmers, educators, mothers and dads who lived simply, one day at a time. They loved music and a good laugh. They tried to do right by others.

Today my heart is filled with gratitude for my kinship with my cousins, for the heritage we share. The butterflies look a little more beautiful to me today as I realize how extraordinary–and how short–this life truly is.

Often I ask clients this question: “What gives you energy, and what takes it away?” Then they begin to list energizers and depleters, quantifying each on a scale of 1-10. I’m always amazed at the revelations that emerge from this simple exercise.

If the person is engaged in some kind of learning experience–and it doesn’t have to be school–it is an energizer, not a depleter. This is especially true if the learning occurs within an environment that is appreciative and empowering, which is why this type of culture is so important for families and organizations and groups.

In fact, you can turn a dreaded situation into a positive learning experience by simply asking yourself the question, “What is here for me to learn?” This simple reframing can switch an energy depleter to an energizer. Try it, and let me know how it works for you.

Last Friday as I wheeled my trash can from the curb back into its resting place, something amazing happened. As I approached the place where the trash can goes, I stopped when I noticed something was moving on the ground. It was a strange shape, and at first my mind couldn’t grasp it. Then I focused.

One garden snake had another garden snake’s neck in his mouth and wouldn’t let go. I thought, “Oh, my gosh, he’s trying to eat the other snake!” Then I realized these were garden snakes; they don’t eat each other. I wasn’t frightened because I could see these snakes were harmless to humans–but not, apparently, to each other.

As I watched, the victim snake contorted his body and broke free, scurrying beneath the recyclable trash can that was in place. The bully snake might have followed, but I started stamping my feet, so he scurried off in the other direction.

I had watched a victim break free!

The feeling I had was similar to what I experienced as I read an article last week about Elizabeth Smart’s beautiful wedding. You may remember her story. She was kidnapped from her parents’ home at the age of 14 and held by a couple who abused her horribly. Yet, with a lot of therapy and spiritual help, she has broken free from that awful experience to live the life of her dreams.

Many people have unpleasant life experiences. Most of them, I am convinced, don’t break free. If they did, our drug and alcohol use would be much lower and fewer people would be obese. There might even be less divorce and fewer broken families or failed businesses or . . . .

Is something holding you by the neck? Do barriers and roadblocks stand in the way of your happiness? If so, take the first step to break free. Simply make a commitment to free yourself from the pain of the past and become the best that you can be.

“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way.”
W. H. Murray, 1951, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition

Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln

Somehow the expression “find happiness” made its way into our consciousness, and the resultant mental image is that happiness is something outside of us that, if we’re lucky, we stumble upon.

But I think Abraham Lincoln had it right. And so did Victor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl believed that no matter how difficult one’s external circumstances, happiness and peace could be achieved internally. He made this discovery while imprisoned in a German concentration camp.

Yet a lot of people haven’t gotten the message. I still hear “if only” stories. “If only” my husband or wife would behave in a certain way; “if only” I had a different job or boss; “if only” my employees would do such and such; “if only” I had more money; “if only” my children would . . .; “if only” I were single or married. Well, you get the idea.

The first step in making happiness is to put the focus on oneself, disentangling happiness from other people’s actions and behavior. For me, this has been a slow, steady, incremental process.

Then, once I get honest about my own negative thinking, one by one I replace the negative thoughts, feelings, and practices with positive.

A simple example is that I used to wake up a morning grump. People knew not to talk to me until I had had my coffee–this was my mental model. Once I realized what I was doing, I was able to replace the grouch. I disciplined myself for my first words to be “Good morning,” spoken with a cheerful voice. Then I discovered this simple practice did as much or more for me than it did for the people around me.

I’ve come to realize that many other practices contribute to my happiness: daily spiritual practice; good, healthy food; a good night’s sleep; regular exercise; conversation with my husband; time spent with family and friends; practicing gratitude; petting our dog, Feathers; spending time in my garden. And the list could go on.

What practices contribute to your happiness? On a scale of 1-10, if 10 is high, where are you on the happiness scale?

The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why. Albert Einstein

If you’re a regular reader, you know how much I love our dog, Feathers. In her early years when we left town, we tried leaving her in a kennel. But she reacted badly to even the most expensive kennel, suffering from a variety of physical symptoms that told us, loud and clear, that she was not happy in those places. Finally we found a sitter, who is her groomer. With this sitter, Feathers suffers no ill after-effects of our absence. In fact, she seems happy, which is what I want her to be.

So I’ve dreaded the day when the sitter might be unavailable. That day is here.

On the day I got the dreaded message from the sitter, I also got an email from a friend who had dropped something at my doorstep. She said, “I knew you couldn’t be far away because I heard Feathers barking inside.” Then, amazingly, she wrote, “If you ever need to go somewhere, I would be glad to keep her for you! Of course I am sure you have many offers!”

Who could have orchestrated that my friend’s offer would come at precisely the time I needed it?

People call this phenomenon by various names: serendipity, coincidence, synergy, miracle, answer to prayer, power of intention. I don’t think it matters what we call it. My experience is that there truly is an invisible world that’s very busy bringing into reality our heart’s desire. When the energy in our hearts is love, then the manifestation happens as quickly as possible. That’s why I strive to stay “in love.”

What’s your experience?

Sometimes we need to see a picture in order to really “get it.”

Masaru Emoto, a Japanese scientist, wondered about the effect of words and music on water, so he designed an experiment in which a word was taped facing a small container of water, which was then quickly frozen. Sometimes he would play music to the water before freezing it. Sometimes he would expose the water to the human voice.

After it was frozen, he would shine a bright light to find the crystals that had formed. Then he photographed the crystals. What he found is that kind words and gentle music formed beautiful crystals. Harsh words and evil resulted in something that looked deformed and misshapen.

Enlightened people know that how we talk to ourselves–literally the words we say and the emotion behind the words–is important. When we consider that our bodies are about 60% water, Dr. Emoto’s work becomes profound. Take a look and make a new commitment to speak kind, affirming words to yourself–and others. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAvzsjcBtx8

I’ve been suffering lately from my own delusions about how other people should behave. Most of my suffering stems from taking offense at their behavior.

A friend pointed out to me last week the phrase “take offense” implies a choice. It is, after all, my choice to take it or leave it. And it’s my choice that determines my state of mind. Nothing else.

When our precious dog Feathers was just a puppy, my husband and I taught her the phrase “leave it” so that she wouldn’t pick something potentially harmful off the ground and try to eat it. I also tell her to “leave it” on the walking trail when an aggressive or undisciplined dog shoots toward us. This simple phrase, “leave it,” keeps her safe.

So today, when I think about other people’s behavior, I’m going to tell myself, “Leave it” to keep me safe from suffering. It works for Feathers. It works for me. Maybe it will work for you, too.