Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson. A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles (New York: Harper Collins, 1992), pp. 190-191.

When I was a child, there was a well-known poem that went like this: “What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and everything nice.” So I and many others in my generation grew up with the belief that it was the female’s job to “be nice.” In my mind, that meant not hurting anyone’s feelings, even when it meant squelching my own. It often meant keeping my opinions to myself.

It isn’t just my generation. Even today, among women of all ages, there’s pressure for women to “be nice.” Don’t say what you truly think and feel. Back down if someone disagrees. Don’t do or say anything that someone might take personally. In other words, be less than who you truly are.

Then, of course, there are those who go to the other extreme, with no filter at all on their words or actions–flaunting their defiance of social norms, angrily asserting themselves, trying to be more than who they think they are.

Recently I’ve seen evidence of a new way of being among women and between men and women. It’s being free to say what we truly need to say. It’s permission to be strong without being offensive. It’s being able to disagree without taking it personally. It’s tolerating someone’s disagreement without labeling them with some offensive name and damaging the relationship.

Truly, I’m grateful to see this shift: Women standing in their own power, confident and strong, affirming their own worth and acknowledging that of others.

July 4 is when U.S. citizens celebrate freedom, and each year I spend some time reflecting on what greater freedom I have today than I had last July 4.

Freedom for Authenticity is what’s coming up for me this year. By this I mean

• A mind that’s calm enough to listen to my inner voice and rely on it for my decisions. In my “non-freedom” state, I am easily emotionally hijacked. If someone else says, “Do this,” I comply out of fear. If someone is disappointed in my actions, I go into chaos.
• A discipline that gives me confidence that I have, in fact, done the best I could in the circumstances I’m dealing with. In my “non-freedom” state, I second-guess my own decisions. I make them again and again. I beat myself up if something doesn’t appear to go well.
• Being free to spend time every day in silence, contemplation, meditation, or just sitting. In my “non-freedom” state, I wake up with my “to-do” list in my mind, get right on it, and suffer as the list grows longer through the day.
• Being free from shame. Accepting people as they are, not as I wish they were. This also means accepting myself for who I am, faults and all.
  

So on this Fourth of July, here is my intention for the day: I enjoy being alive and fully accept myself for who I truly am. I embrace my mistakes as teachers from which I learn. I enjoy this journey of life–all of it. I love being who I am.

Observations from playing the game of brickbreaker on my Blackberry.

1. Sometimes things come at me so fast that I don’t realize what I had until I’ve let it go and taken something of less value.

2. Greed makes the game unmanageable, and I make greed-driven mistakes.

3. Sometimes it seems that I’m not improving. But I know it’s just a plateau–a resting place for my brain to recalibrate. I have faith that I’ll start moving again when it’s time.

4. After all, it’s only a game–so relax and enjoy. No mistake is important enough for me to give up my peace of mind.

As a pastime, I play a game called brickbreaker on my Blackberry. I play it when I’m sitting in someone’s waiting room or just when I have a few spare minutes. It’s relaxing to me–a time for reflection as I notice my reactions to the dynamics of the game.

This morning a client was late to a meeting because of rain-snarled traffic. So I was playing brickbreaker, and these life lessons came to me, inspired by this little game.

1. Pay attention to your goal. Distraction destroys. (The object of the game is to keep the little ball in play, and when I take my eyes off the ball to look at the score or what’s happening in another part of the screen, I often miss.)

2. Value what you have while going for what you want. (“Pills” cascade down the screen, with different labels. I’m not fond of the one labeled “catch,” but it gets me extra points, so I take it. My favorites, though, are “life” and “laser.” So I take “catch” and use it to its best advantage while watching for “life” and “laser” to appear. I don’t resent “catch.”)

3. Avoid the temptations that throw you completely off track. (The pill labeled “flip” always makes me miss the ball.)

4. Be precise. “Almost” doesn’t win. (Enough said.)

5. Long life isn’t as valuable as patience and discipline.

Today, may you keep your eye on the ball and know that all is well.

You may have seen the story in news reports. Armando Galarraga was pitching a perfect game. Then the first base umpire made a mistake. He called a runner safe when every camera filming the runner’s arrival at first base showed the first baseman had him out. But the umpire called it the way he saw it, and his decision stood–the runner was safe. The pitcher’s perfect game evaporated because of the umpire’s human error.

His reaction? He smiled, walked back to the pitcher’s mound, and resumed the game. Then he forgave the umpire for making a mistake.

Once again, we see the power of nonresistance. Not expecting perfection. Not flying apart when someone makes a mistake that affects us. My mind flittered back to Gandhi. The Amish in the schoolhouse killings. And now, most recently, in America’s favorite pastime–baseball.

Once again, I am reminded that love is stronger than hate. Forgiveness is preferable to holding grudges. Nonresistance is less painful than holding on to slights and injustices. People aren’t perfect. That includes me and you. I don’t know about you, but when I’m the person in the umpire’s position, I want to be forgiven. May God grant me the willingness to be forgiving when I’m in the pitcher’s place.

It’s good to know what you’re willing to experience. Recently a client said, “I have fear all the time. I worry all the time.” My response was, “I believe you. Would you like for things to be different?” Of course, she said yes. No one wants to live in fear and worry all the time. If that is happening, it’s a learned behavior. Intervention is needed, and I gave it.

“All you have to do is be willing to make a change” was what I said. And I left it at that.

To our next coaching session, this person brought a book, dog-eared and heavily underlined. From the book she read to me what she needed to do differently. I took notes, integrating her new learning into the plan we had already begun to make.

Her energy had shifted. In our earlier sessions, she was playing the role of victim, with one story after another about how other people had wronged her. But in this session, she had taken responsibility for making things better. She had become a Wayfinder.

Wayfinding is navigating through complex environments to reach a dreamed-of destination. It’s setting out for unknown territory, using tools that have the power to get you where you want to be. http://pvs.kcc.hawaii.edu/rapanui/nainoa.html

If you have a dreamed-of destination that you don’t think you’re making progress towards, simply become willing to change whatever you need to change to move you closer towards your dream, and say goodbye to stagnation.

 If you’ve had a similar experience, please share it on this blog.

Wayfinding is an ancient art of navigating without a map, sextant, or compass; rather, using human intuitive powers.

For life, we don’t get a map. So when we’re not at the destination we want, what do we do? Millions of people try to make themselves happy through eating, drinking, using drugs including prescribed painkillers, escaping to the movies or a book, running or exercising to release endorphins that make things better. So we repeat our behaviors, again and again, hoping for different results. When we don’t get them, we start eating, drinking . . . . And so the cycle continues.

But we can make a different choice. Just a few moments ago I spoke with someone who woke up on this beautiful Monday morning not feeling good about herself. She had a vague, uneasy feeling that she couldn’t identify. After meaningful conversation with a trusted guide, she was able to identify the source of her discomfort, put it in right perspective, and change her course to move closer to living the life she truly wants to lead.

This is how I define Wayfinding. Not venting to a friend. Not repeating the same patterns over and over. But taking time to reflect, hear the love and support of trusted guides, and make different, disciplined decisions that move one closer to living a joy-filled life.

Wayfinding support groups are forming right now. For information about how to join one, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com

Like most women, I love beautiful shoes—pointy toes, high heels, a splash of glitz or something special. I love all the different textures and colors and styles. Although I don’t own that many shoes—I’m not a shoe-aholic—I do choose carefully what I buy, and I spare no expense. For years, what I’ve been buying is a rare combination—style AND comfort.

So it was with confidence that I packed my newest stylish-and-comfortable Stuart Weitzman’s for a trip to the Valley to visit a school district as part of my volunteer work with the H-E-B Excellence in Education Awards program. The work requires lots of walking in large school districts—huge high schools with lots of stairs, climbing in and out of buses and vans—two full hours of walking and standing, with no break. A grueling challenge for any pair of shoes.

The Stuart Weitzman’s didn’t pass the test. By the end of the day, I couldn’t wait to get out of those shoes. For the first time, I noticed that the pain in my feet contributed greatly to my fatigue.

This year the trips for this project are packed close together—next week I’ll make three school visits. I knew I had to make a change. So for the trip following the Stuart Weitzman’s fiasco, I made a different decision. I chose my Saturday Shoes—fat, rounded toe with a flat, open heel—purchased from my local Comfortable Shoe Store and worn with socks. (By the way, these shoes cost more than the Stuart Weitzman’s.)

Ah, the difference! Wearing the flat, fat shoes limits my wardrobe to black slacks. I don’t care. Wearing these shoes risks the judgment of other people that I’ve arrived at a “certain age.” I don’t care.

Most importantly, wearing these shoes means that, at the end of the day, I’m not exhausted. It’s a gift I’m giving myself. So what has this to do with courage?

The word “courage” comes from the French word for heart—coeur. This is a decision from my heart, out of love for myself. And there’s an added value. Since I’m at greater ease, I have more energy to enjoy my colleagues. I look with greater favor on what I saw in the school district, which works to their advantage. At the end of the day, I greet my husband with a smile instead of a groan. Everybody wins.

And that’s how it works when we make a decision from our hearts to do what feels good to us. Someone once said, “We do what’s best for others when we do what’s best for ourselves.” So I ask you to reflect: What one small thing might you do for yourself as an act of love? I support you to have the courage to do it today.

What gives you energy to do your work and live your life well? What depletes your energy? I’ve been asking these questions of people over the last nine years.

To answer this question, it’s useful to know that the human system derives energy from four sources: 

• Physical (general health, diet, exercise)
• Mental (challenge, learning, intellectual activities like crossword puzzles and Sudoku)
• Spiritual (not religious, but spiritual practice that puts us in contact with something greater than ourselves)
• Emotional

Overwhelmingly, depleters are emotional, and usually they are our negative reaction to someone else’s behavior or situations beyond our control. What people don’t realize is that their negative reaction is within them, not outside of them, and that’s good news—because we have complete control over our own thoughts and feelings. If we truly want to, we can change them. Most people simply don’t know how.

Here’s how.

1. Write out what’s bugging you, and include all the details. Leave nothing out, and use strong language.
2. Read back over what you’ve written and identify the emotion that is coming through. Here are some examples:  jealousy, fear, anger, feeling overwhelmed, being judgmental or rigid. These negative emotions are coming from your ego. The truth is, whatever is happening probably has nothing to do with you; you’re simply choosing to take it personally.
3. Make a decision about how you want to feel. Maybe forgiving. Maybe accepting. Maybe safe from ill effects. You choose. Stay in this state of mind until you’re ready to move to a higher state.
4. Tear up and destroy what you wrote in #2 above.
5. When you’re ready, move to a higher emotional state—like kindness, unconditional love, compassion, peace.

If you practice this process on a regular basis, you’ll find that you gradually spend more and more time in peace. By practicing on a regular basis, I mean every day.

Thus you will turn energy depleters into energizers.

On Saturday, February 27, from 1:00-3:00 at Book People in Austin, Nancy will be working with a group of teachers to rejuvenate. All teachers are welcome to join us. If you would like Nancy to work with your group, email Nancy@HeadtoHeart.com